Between Hope and Exhaustion

3xi5t3n2 — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 06:49:26 +0000

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now. He’s younger than me but in a lot of ways I found him to be much more mature than guys my age or older. He had a full-time job, had just bought a newer car, and was taking flight lessons to become a pilot. He was broke most of the time, but so was I because of my medical bills, so it worked out perfect. We enjoyed each other’s company and, when we could afford it, we would split the bill when we went out to the movies, dinner, etc. About 6 months later, we both got laid off from our jobs. We both went back to college full-time and were (barely) living off of student loans and unemployment compensation. At the time, I was renting a room at my aunt’s house, and he pretty much lived with me in my room also. My aunt thought it would be best to make him pay half the rent, which wasn’t much to begin with, and I agreed with her. But, because of his debt (car payments, insurance, pre-relationship DUI, flight lessons, etc.) his financial situation got worse and worse. He was not only unable to contribute to paying rent, but I ended up helping him pay his bills once in a while, paying his half of the rent because I didn’t want my aunt to suffer financially too, and started putting off my medical necessities. A couple of months ago, I had to move out of my aunt’s (and my boyfriend with me) because her daughter needed a place to live. My apartment’s rent is more than twice what I was paying for the room I had, and of course I have to pay for utilities, Internet, food, etc. What pisses me off to no end is that I have been taking care of him and backing him up when he needed the financial help this whole time, and I am barely able to make ends meet because not only am I taking care of myself, a cat, and an apartment, but an extra person who adds to the expenses… yet he still sees no reason to get a job and at the very least take care of his end of the bargain. I have been wearing my monthly pair of contacts for about 6 months, I have about 5 cavities that are getting more and more painful, I have medications that allow me to function that I haven’t been able to afford, I have a cancer that I am supposed to be getting check-ups on but can’t afford to, and I have major back pains that flare up to intolerable levels the more I am stressed. I am constantly on edge, trying to figure out how in the world am I going to take care of my health with my boyfriend’s burdens on my shoulder. It’s getting exhausting… He eats a lot, he smokes like a chimney and gets offended when I ask him to please cut down on the cigarettes because they are expensive! Whenever he throws a fit, I tell him to get a job so that he can smoke 2 packs a day for all I care, leave lights on and max out the AC in the apartment, and do whatever else he wants that is now costing me more than I can handle, but he still doesn’t get it! He makes a mess whenever he’s in the kitchen, throws clothes around and uses up towels like I have an infinite supply somewhere and causing me to do way more laundry than we really need to, I cook and the food disappears way too quickly because “he can’t help it,” he doesn’t even care to put his shoes away when he walks in, he just tosses everything around so I’m constantly picking up after him! I give him advice and try to steer him in the right direction but he just gets offended, or pretends to understand then completely negate what I say later, or whatever excuse he has. I don’t know about the majority of people out there, but if I had someone covering my behind, keeping me clothed and fed and sheltered and loved (and even entertained for crying out loud!), I would do everything in my power to contribute in whatever ways I could!! I am stressed out beyond what I can physically handle; I have maybe 2 muscle relaxants left that I have been saving for months now just in case I fall apart, and the only thing that helps… the only thing that literally makes my back relax and takes way from the pain in the herniated disks and even helps me sleep, is for my boyfriend to gently scratch my back, or arm, or just stroke my hair… it’s that simple. Financial and emotional pains aside, at least some of the physical pain could be remedied. But, I am lucky if he strokes my back at night for one minute once every other week… Even then, he grunts about it because it is such a “tedious” chore. So here I am battling yet another excruciatingly painful, sleepless night while he is comfortable in bed, after smoking his last cigarette for the night. Is it just me, or is something wrong with this picture…? Is it really that much to ask? I take care of him in every way, and ask (but end up just hoping) that he alleviates some of that load that literally hurts my back by taking 5-10 minutes out of his time a week, all it takes is some gentle physical contact… I guess it turns out I can’t afford that either.

Boiled Over» Boiled Over Posts by Member 3xi5t3n2

Between Hope and Exhaustion