To start out I have to say that I am lucky enough to work at home, I am a full time student, I have two wonderful kids and I am also a single mother.  Even though these things are wonderful in my life they are still stressful.  Working at home has been a blessing, but at this point, it may not be enough.  I may have to add on another job to it just to survive.

Well let me plug in here a little bit that part of my issues this week stems from an all in one printer malfunction.  I thought I would save some money and have my cartridges filled at Cartridge world.  There they refill your old cartridges with ink and it is suppose to cost less.  Well in my case it was the start of some expensive ink.  When I put in the cartridge it worked for a little while and then fried my all in one printer.  So I work at home and do my schoolwork, I have a 14 year old who needs a printer also.  I am now out a printer, fax, and copy machine because I tried to save a couple of bucks.  So my dad had one, a Dell, that he gave my sister in law.  She wasn’t using it so she said I could.  It needed a color ink cartridge so I go down to staples and buy a $30.00 ink cartridge for the printer, thinking that I will only be out $30.00, that’s not too bad.  WRONG!  I work on getting the printer installed on my computer but it won’t work, so I get a hold of Dell support and it takes them about 4 hours all together to tell me that they can’t help me without a fee because I do not have a service contract with them.  What the heck kind of customer service is that?   I have called customer service before with other companies and not had to pay a service agreement. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my dad had a brand new ink cartridge in the bag for the printer,,,,,with a cartridge world sticker on it… the printer would not even recognize the cartridge.

Inevitably I ask them (dell) how much a service agreement would be, and the amount they want is more than buying a brand new all in one printer and fax.  I tell them no thanks, and that I will NEVER purchase anything from them ever because that is just bad customer service.  So I am telling my sister how things went, and bless her heart she starts doing some research for me only to find that the damn thing wasn’t even compatible with my computer to begin with.  Now don’t you think that the two customer service people that I spoke to for a total of 4 hours should have been able to tell me that in the first 5 minutes?  Probably, not only that but I told the gentlemen that I spoke to about 3 times that I don’t have a dell computer………..after about 1 ½ hours and remotely accessing my computer he informed that that I don’t have a dell……..um I said that 3 times and he didn’t get it.

So because I work from home,and my daughter kept telling me she needed to print off stuff for school and I was starting a new semester, I thought I have to do something quickly.  My sister again helped me out by finding a deal on a HP all in one for almost half of the price they wanted to charge me at dell to “fix” my problem for one day.  I calculated in my head how much it would cost me to run to the library every time I needed something printed off and weighed the disadvantages of not having a fax machine which I use quite often and decided that I had to spend the $75.00 or so on the new all in one copier.  All in all it was 112.00 out the door with 2 new cartridges.  Not bad considering that I paid 30.00 for a color cartridge and that was only one for the Dell.

Ok so that problem solved.  Then I find out that my daughter has an out of town basketball game that will be an overnight stay.  I can’t afford to go but I could possibly send her with someone else on the team and give her a little money for food and that problem is solved.

So this morning I wake up, I am thinking that I should have some money in the bank because my car has been on E since yesterday and I have to run my daughter all over this afternoon to practices and etc.  Check the bank, after the deposit, my bank account is still in the negative 150.00.  Shit no money, no gas, don’t have money to send with my daughter now.  What will I do?

I know many people are saying that maybe I did not budget my money correctly and that it is my own fault, which is true.  The issue here is that I don’t make a lot of money; I am working part time because I am in school full time and have the two children.  I average at most 160.00 a week on a good week with work.  I do get underemployment which is almost exhausted, but let’s just say that my bills are many times much more than I am bringing in and sometimes when you’re trying to catch up it’s even worse. When I was young my mom was gone away a lot working and going to school and I felt like I didn’t see her much.  I want to be around for my children, this is why I have been working so hard to be back in school and do my best along the way.  I don’t want to sacrifice the time that I do have with my kids, especially while they still like me. Lol well that depends on the day with my 14 year old.  But my son is only 1.

I just feel like I am trying to do the right things, and every time I take a step forward I get pulled right back.  Not to mention that if I talk to my mom and stepdad about what’s going on their answer is well you shouldn’t have had those kids then. REALLY? I am just angry that I try to live my life the right way, I help other people and here I sit today wondering what I am going to do to make my money situation better and not sacrifice the precious time that I have with my kids while doing this all.  I am so tired of just getting buy and barely making it.  I can’t save my pennies because I need to use them to buy stuff that I need around the house or for me and my kids. I get slight anxiety every time I see that something is low because I am trying to figure out how to budget buying that along with all of the other expenses of running a household. I do spend money like everyone but I am very cautious and try very hard most times to not spend it on frivolous things when I know I can’t afford it.  I just want my turn.  I want to be able to take my kids somewhere on vacation, have a car that I am not worried about getting stranded in.  Buy the food that is good for my diet and not worry about if I run out before the next month.  Buy diapers for my son for daycare and home without freaking out if I can put gas in my car too.

I am not trying to be ungrateful, the reason that I try to help people and do nice things for others is because I have been helped by so many people and many people have done wonderful things for me too, I am just tired.  I am tired of worrying every week what bill to pay on before everything gets shut off, and how I am going to struggle through this for 2 more years.  I am close to my bachelor’s degree in accounting, and want to go for my masters.

I get up in the morning, take the kids to school, come home, work out because I am at a point where I have to, bad cholesterol (maybe from the cookie dough lol) and borderline diabetes at 34.  Then I work until I have to pick my son up from daycare, spend time with him, run my daughter all over for track and basketball practice 5 days a week. Try to keep the house cleaned in the middle of all of that and when my son goes to bed at 8:00pm I walk on the treadmill for a little while and then do homework or try to catch up on anything else that needs to be done until about 12:00am this last week its been more like 1:30am.  Then I sleep for a little while and get up and do it all over again.  The doesn’t include the days I am in class and have to drive 1 hour each way for my class then spend 3 hours in class because they don’t have the classes I need in my local campus for this semester.

So yeah, I am a little stressed, and I am sure that this stress doesn’t help my health at all.  I just needed to get this out.  I am at a loss sometimes and although I do have people in my life that I can talk to I hate that people feel sorry for me and I don’t want that.  I know that it will get better, that’s why I am doing all this…… I am just sometimes having a very hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know crying and eating cookie dough isn’t helping… but sometimes it makes me feel a little better for a minute.  I know we all have stressful lives, I am just so tired of struggling and trying to keep my head above water, Slowly I feel like I am getting too tired to stay up, but I see the light off in the distance and feel like I have come too close to finishing college to give up but it’s hard and I am tired.

We feel a dread on January 1st knowing that the anniversary has come around yet once more, and as babies are born and events happen we hope that this day is not tainted by any other events because today is the day that we have a hard time being happy and celebrating anything. I look at his pictures often and I am still thinking that this is incomprehensible that this tragedy has happened to our family. We remember him and tell stories of the things that we remember as we still try to deal with our pain. Sometimes the memories make us laugh and sometimes they make us cry. My heart is often heavy, and it has brought a great uneasiness to me to know that someone that you love can be taken away so early and so quickly with no warning and no time to say I love you and goodbye. I remember driving to my brother and sisters house on that morning thinking the whole time that Dustin will be ok, that he is not dead but hurt and on his way to the hospital as I fought back the bile vomit that rose from my stomach at the thought that he would not be alive. Arriving there for my brother and sister and seeing the ambulance, my sister rushing out to grab a hold of me as I got out of my car. As soon as I held her I knew the horrible truth that I was trying to convince myself was not really happening.

Since the accident I can’t help but think every time one of our children walk out the door that they won’t be back and I have to fight myself to allow my own daughter to grow up a little bit and give her the freedom to do some things that result in her growing into a teenager. I have nightmares every time she stays with friends or goes to hang out at the mall or somewhere that I am not. Every year she gets older I wonder if this will be the last year that I am blessed to have her in my life. I am also pregnant with my second child and can’t help but feel like maybe my baby will not make it because we never know how our future or fate will be decided for us. I have wanted another baby for so many years, and I always think that sometimes you want something so bad that it will not happen. I am scared everyday when my other nephew’s, niece, and my own daughter want to do something that may cause them harm. My own mind and imagination goes wild every time they are not at home and whenever they want to “walk to their friend’s house” or when they get off the bus. You would think that as time goes on these fears would dissipate, but in truth I think that they are getting worse.

I remember the hundreds of people who attended Dustin’s funeral and how there was not a dry eye in the funeral home as the service went on and we got up to say our goodbyes to Dustin, the effect as my whole body shook with sadness as I made a speech that forever hangs next to his picture on my wall. I think of all the people in our family that were there and the magnitude of people who supported my brother and sister in this time of need for them. As still I watch the news and see all these people that have died in Haiti, as well as think back on 9-11 and see what a great out pouring of generosity people are putting forth for these people who are in need and dying that they don’t even know. What hurts me the most is that there are people in our own family that will take part in these tragedies around the world and these will be events that will be remembered yearly in the news stories. People will take time every year to remember people lost and will take a moment of silence to pray for their families. This is a great thing, but many of these people in our own family that remember these events in our country still don’t remember what happened on January 23rd 2006 in our own family. I am amazed and disappointed that many of our family members only remember Dustin’s passing and accident when I tell them that this is the anniversary. We are family and I can’t believe that something that is so devastating to this day for us is just another day for so many others. Those who didn’t know Dustin would have no reason for today to be such a sad day, but the people in our family that took part in the funeral and cried like he was their own son can’t even remember what happened just a short 4 years ago and I wonder how could they forget? Maybe I am naive to think that people’s day should be forever changed like ours has, but I am truly amazed that it is such an easy thing for people to forget when they can remember events across the world that effected no one that they loved, but people that they did not know and they still have to be reminded of the date a family member has left this world.

I understand that everyone’s tragedies are their own. We all deal with things differently and we all have our own degrees of grief. I could never pretend to imagine how my brother and sister feel on a daily basis that their son is not here. I could never imagine how my nephews or niece feel that their brother is gone. I know how I feel about it and it could never compare to the grief that they are dealing with every day, every holiday, and every birthday. I can only support them and love them and deal with my own feelings and understand that theirs are much greater and deeper than my own, as they are his parents and brothers and sister. It pains me so that there are only a handful of the people in our family who remember this day like we do. There are only a few close family members that will grieve for Dustin today, out of the hundreds that came to his funeral there will be only a handful that will look upon this day as we do. To the rest, this day did not happen four years ago, and it has become just a bad memory of “that day” in the back of their minds one day “sometime in January”.

No one new in our lives will ever remember that day or the effects that it truly had on us, they will not understand why this day has so much pain and why my brother and sister will not participate in any parties or get togethers’ today for someone else’s celebration. It is not that they are selfish or don’t want to celebrate for others, it’s because today is a day of remembrance and sadness, today is a day that we cannot forget, today is a day to be together and love and support each other. Today is the day that we remember like it just happened.

So here I am today, I might cry about this tomorrow, but I’ll be stronger in the end, for the man that can handle the strong and loving type, I will still be who I am, and for that I can hold my head up in any situation.

Time can change a person, and today I carry a purse way bigger than I ever thought I would, and I sit at my computer when I used to be too busy to check my email.  I buy planners to keep my life as organized as possible, when before it was just go with it.  I have grown up, I have changed, and I have gotten better.  I can still love the best love, Have the most amazing sex, find the most fulfilling job, hurt the worst of hurts, and that has NOT changed with age, but accepting who I am and knowing that I am worth it to someone else the way I am has.  I will find what I am looking for or it will find me.  And maybe it will take him some time to get to know me, and break through my own protection that I have put up, but it will be worth it all in the end to him, because what I expect for myself, I give to others.  And because I am worth it, it will be worth it. I originally sent this message as a bulletin on myspace.  Just because that was how I was feeling at the time.  But it is worth being said to another group outside of the myspace “friends list” that I have.  I am anxious today, irritated with life, but blessed all the same.  It may seem redundant that lonely single women always complain about what they need in men, but too bad.  Life is so full of the unexpected and I am here because I have a reason to be.  I am  mad that men and women are so different, I am sure men don’t know what to do with women either.  It is a vicious cycle.  What I do know is what women deserve, what we try to hard to do for men and then get let down because sometimes it’s work for them and they don’t have the ambition or want to waste the energy to get to know the women they want.  How can it be so easy and yet so hard at the same time.  It sounds so simple, love, respect, honesty, true generous caring, and putting someone besides yourself first.  I know what I said earlier in the post, I am who I am, that does not mean that I am incapable of putting someone else first.  I just think that in doing so I shouldn’t have to give up who I am also.  I am tired and I am frustrated that some men don’t realize that there are some very basic things that keep women happy.  So for those of you who don’t know, understand that we need attention, love, we want you to look at us like we are life itself, or at least feel that that is what you think of us.  Caring, listening, without always trying to fix it, and just basically knowing that you are where you want to be, we need to HEAR it, because we know you go to work to support us, but we want to know that you do it because you want to.  We are all about the feelings that men try to hide.  A good friend told me to leave it to GOD.  I am leaving it to GOD.  I know my time will come, but I am only human and I am not that patient after 12 years of doing it alone.  She also told me that maybe GOD meant for me to be alone in my life, I do not agree with her at all.  I think that if he meant for me to be alone, I wouldn’t be as passionate about spending my life with someone else, about having more kids.  I don’t think his intention is for anyone to be alone. I think that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks, I think that married people shouldn’t tell single people “it will be ok, you will find the right person” and then tell me something is wrong with me because I don’t have one.  Telling me I need to change the way I am to get a man is the worst advice I have ever heard, especially when about 95% of the married people that I know aren’t very happy. So I had a long conversation with GOD and let it all out, now I await his response as I try to listen to the answer he is giving me. GOD has made me the strong person that I am so why would he not pair me up with the man of my dreams (within reason, this is not a Cinderella story). All that I want I can have with his help. So to GOD I say, get on with it, I am ready to feel what I want to feel and share who I am and what I have.  I am ready to go to bed next to someone and to feel safe, I am ready to go through the fire and survive with someone.  I am ready to love with all my heart, and I am ready to find the one who is willing to fight together and who will love the same way.  I am ready to wake up smiling because that person makes me happier because they are there.  To share my life with someone, not just live in existence next to another person.