I was actually thinking about writing this under anonymous because it is about more than just me and the people who are involved are known to this site as well as many family members that may find this site to be helpful and visit it as well, then I said, fuck it.  I am angry today because I think that your family is suppose to be the people in your life that support you and love you and accept you for who you are.  Unfortunately sometimes it feels like they are the ones who put you down, disrespect you, and are jealous of anything that you may have accomplished.  I lived away from family for many years growing up and have moved back to Michigan where all of my family is located, thinking it would be a great place to raise my daughter and that I would enjoy it.  I don’t know if that is really the case.  It seems like my life had less stress when it was me on my own and I thought that “family” was what it was really about.  Since I have moved back to be around my family I cannot believe the amount of crap that goes around the family “circle”.  The people who are suppose to be the most supportive sometimes seem like they are the ones who are only supportive when you do what THEY think will be good for you.  I try not to ask for too much from many people and the ones that I thought would be the closest to me seem to be the ones that judge me the most, and stab me in the back so to speak.  I have a cousin who is convinced that she knows what type of car is the best for me, as well as who I should date, as well as who she should tell my personal business to even if they have no idea about me. She also takes it upon herself to tell others about our arrangement with me renting her house.  She came to me with a price and now it seems as though she wants others to think that she doesn’t get the full amount.  Telling people that we did work with that its not even half of the rent, knowing they would know that it was me she was talking about. I have always paid her on time as well as the full amount that we agreed upon, even after she raised it more since the agreement.  As well as deciding to tell new people that work there that I like black drug dealers that don’t have jobs or cars or drivers licenses. I do like black men, that is just my preference, but does that mean that every black man is a drug dealer or doesn’t have a job or car or license.  She doesn’t even know any of the men that I date, so why is she so knowledgeable about the men I like?  Why she thinks that it is appropriate to lie about me is beyond me.  Never is she able to take me aside and say anything constructive, only negative comments that come back to me from others.  She has I think been a part of me losing my job at the place we have both worked because of her comments and the fact that I have gotten along with most of the people there including people that haven’t spoken as openly with her as they have me has only seemed to fuel her jealousy and negativity towards me and my life.  This is painful, this is something that makes you want to leave and never be around the ones that are suppose to love you the most.  It really pisses me off.  Families are supposed to stick together and love and support each other, but in the case of my family it seems so fake.  I think to myself on many occasions that it would have been better if I never moved back to a place called “home” since on many occasions it doesn’t bring feelings of home to me.  There are many relationships that have gotten better in my family because of my presents here, but also many that have gotten worse.  One such relationship has been the ability to become great friends with my sister in law, who means the world to me.  She has been there for me and supportive of me.  Many people in my family do not like my choices and if I hear one more time, Amanda, you just need to find yourself a good man to help you, I am going to scream.  If you are not helping the process shut the hell up, I want to find a great man too, but I want to pick someone that is going to be my type and interesting to me.  I have to be attracted to him, no one else does.  I hate it when people say oh, we don’t care that you date black men and then go behind my back and talk shit.  I don’t give a crap what anyone else thinks anymore.  Oh people say they just don’t want me to get hurt, so what every white man that I have dated hasn’t hurt me either.  Oh yeah, I forgot, once you have dated black men apparently that’s the only men you have ever dated.  I don’t care if people don’t like it, they aren’t me. That goes for all of my family that talks about it behind my back, I am sure they have all had their comments. I want people who are suppose to accept me to do just that.  Sometimes I think when people look out for my best interest what they are doing is looking out for their best interest for me.              Back to what started this post for me today.  As I mentioned earlier I have created what to me seemed as a strong friendship and bond with my sister in law.  Many people are not lucky enough to say that they have found such a great friend in an in law, however I do not think of her as my in law, I think of her as my sister and friend.  Maybe the best friend that I have and one of the people that I think does not degrade me for who I like, or what decisions that I make.  I feel like she is someone that I can trust and rely on and I hope that she feels the same way about me. I have felt blessed by her friendship and her support. I have to admit that I lean on her and go to her for much more than she does me.  I vent my frustrations about life, love and everything there is much more than she does with me, I was thinking this is because she has my brother whom she tells all to.  There are many things that I share with her that are very personal to me, and I forget that she is my brothers’ wife and therefore tells him everything.  There are many things that I say which are personal that I do not want my brother to know.  In a recent event, I told her something that she in turn talked to my brother about, as she should have, it involved him also.  I was not angry with her for sharing this with him, I was angry about how he reacts to things at times.  The problem that I told her about was taken care of by my clarification and that should have been the end of it.  I could see him wanting to clarify the situation himself, but maybe another time when he was not still upset about the situation.  I love my brother, but he tends to be hard to talk to and blow things out of proportion.  Because of this, we fight.  Because of this we also say things that are not nice to each other.  I am still angered by this and with him, because I feel as though he does not listen, he treats me like crap and like I am an afterthought, along with my feelings.  I am tired of getting treated like crap by him.   He is the one person who should never turn his back on me, yet he always does.  “It’s not always about you” is what he has the nerve to tell me and I am thinking, how it can be when it always has to be about him.  He is being a jack ass and I am tired of it.  I know that I am not completely without fault, but he has become unsupportive and even harder to talk to over time.  I was told by him, that maybe I shouldn’t talk to his wife anymore if I don’t think that she should tell him anything.  Well, unfortunately I feel like maybe I shouldn’t.  Not because of this specific situation, as I said, I am more upset about how he handles it than actually him knowing about it, but what about other things that are personal to me. This situation just reminds me of another “thing” that happened under the same circumstances, it ended up in a big fight with me, my mother, dad and him and my sister in law.  Why you may ask?  All because how he handled it. Maybe you can’t mix friendship with family?  I don’t know, I thought family should be the ones that are the closest friends.  I shouldn’t have to defend myself ALL THE FUCKING TIME to everyone in my family.  I am tired of it.  So when people say family is important, think about this post and tell me, is it worth it?  I don’t know if I am so sure about it. When I feel like I can’t even talk to my own brother without him blowing up, I don’t have faith in it anymore.  I am tired of giving him excuses about why, and you know what, he doesn’t care what he says to me or how he says it to me either so fuck it, I don’t either.  I am just looking for someone who doesn’t have to be an ass about everything.  In our lives we have only had each other for a lot of it.  I guess that doesn’t freaking matter now does it?  Well, have it your way “brother” I won’t make you share your wife’s friendship with me at all let alone her attention, God forbid you don’t get it all.  I hope you are happy and I am sorry that I can’t justify the way you treat me anymore. To the rest of my family, I have nothing better to say at this point either.  I can’t say it’s always bad, that would be misrepresenting, but in most cases family isn’t there FOR you, sometimes it’s like their there waiting for you to fuck up.  Which we all do.I have worked hard; live on my own, support myself and my daughter.  I think that I do a pretty good damn job of it. I am going back to school to better my self and I depend on myself.  Does it get lonely, yeah.  I would like to ask my family for the most part how much do I rely on anyone else, besides emotionally, never, and yet I can’t even get the emotional support they should be happy to give.   Instead of support and encouragement from my family I truly feel like all I get is negative words and bullshit ways for them to attack who I am.  Today, life is too short? I don’t know, I think that people are too mean.  Sometimes you can’t come back, I am tired of getting hurt by my so called “loved ones”. It’s no wonder I haven’t found a man that is supportive and loving, I don’t even have family that are that way. Right now I just feel like FUCK IT ALL.

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