I think I may just be ranting and raging on here but what the hell.  I inventory myself on occasion and see who I am, and want to be.  It seems funny how you wake up one day and realize how things are different.  In young years it’s all about the boy you want to like you, the boy who is popular I guess.  The one you never feel pretty enough for.  As you get older you are looking for the man, not the boy, who appreciates you and takes care of you. Unfortunately there are still a lot of grown up “boys”.  They don’t take care of you like you want, they are still caught up in hanging out, life with their friends, how cool they look. When you now need them to be providers, lovers, and understand you more than you understand yourself, is it fair to them, no, but that’s what we need.  As a mom, you want to be a good mother, someone that your kids can look up to and love, and they do that until you both get older, then they are like ewww its my mom. I have learned a lot in my life, even though I am still searching for the same thing.  I have realized that I don’t need to change to make someone love me, I just need to find the person who loves who I am.  Being along a long time, you get set in your ways, I am not closed off to being with a man in a loving relationship, I just know that things that I feel I deserve and need are valid now.  The right man, will treat me like his queen, because that is how he looks at me.  NOT ask me to change to be the queen that he envisions. And as I believe that it is easier for a women to love a man than it is for a man to stay attracted to and love a women, I also think that we try too hard to be the one for him.  When he is the one desperately  looking for us also.  Love should not hurt, yet it does.  Love should compliment each other, want to love and be there for each other.  Love can be trying, but should always be more rewarding.  In my search I have come up with nothing, not that it is all bad, I believe in myself and my expectations can not falter because of the things that I have experienced.  No one could WANT to be in a loving relationship and have more kids, if that is not supposed to be part of their destiny.  So to my destiny, I call, eventually I will get there, the heartache along the way will make it better and more unforgettable when I find it. It is not wrong to ask for happiness, it is not wrong to ask for love, the trick is finding two people who can give that to each other and doing it as unselfishly as possible.  So here I sit, still waiting, and that’s ok since it will be well worth it in the end.  For all of my married family and friends that look down and say poor Amanda has not found anyone, save it.  I will, and it will be awesome.  Don’t pity me for being able to try with someone and realizing when it wont work, be grateful that I have not lost myself enough to settle for something that will not make me smile everyday and make my heart ache with love.

So here I am today, I might cry about this tomorrow, but I’ll be stronger in the end, for the man that can handle the strong and loving type, I will still be who I am, and for that I can hold my head up in any situation.

Time can change a person, and today I carry a purse way bigger than I ever thought I would, and I sit at my computer when I used to be too busy to check my email.  I buy planners to keep my life as organized as possible, when before it was just go with it.  I have grown up, I have changed, and I have gotten better.  I can still love the best love, Have the most amazing sex, find the most fulfilling job, hurt the worst of hurts, and that has NOT changed with age, but accepting who I am and knowing that I am worth it to someone else the way I am has.  I will find what I am looking for or it will find me.  And maybe it will take him some time to get to know me, and break through my own protection that I have put up, but it will be worth it all in the end to him, because what I expect for myself, I give to others.  And because I am worth it, it will be worth it. I originally sent this message as a bulletin on myspace.  Just because that was how I was feeling at the time.  But it is worth being said to another group outside of the myspace “friends list” that I have.  I am anxious today, irritated with life, but blessed all the same.  It may seem redundant that lonely single women always complain about what they need in men, but too bad.  Life is so full of the unexpected and I am here because I have a reason to be.  I am  mad that men and women are so different, I am sure men don’t know what to do with women either.  It is a vicious cycle.  What I do know is what women deserve, what we try to hard to do for men and then get let down because sometimes it’s work for them and they don’t have the ambition or want to waste the energy to get to know the women they want.  How can it be so easy and yet so hard at the same time.  It sounds so simple, love, respect, honesty, true generous caring, and putting someone besides yourself first.  I know what I said earlier in the post, I am who I am, that does not mean that I am incapable of putting someone else first.  I just think that in doing so I shouldn’t have to give up who I am also.  I am tired and I am frustrated that some men don’t realize that there are some very basic things that keep women happy.  So for those of you who don’t know, understand that we need attention, love, we want you to look at us like we are life itself, or at least feel that that is what you think of us.  Caring, listening, without always trying to fix it, and just basically knowing that you are where you want to be, we need to HEAR it, because we know you go to work to support us, but we want to know that you do it because you want to.  We are all about the feelings that men try to hide.  A good friend told me to leave it to GOD.  I am leaving it to GOD.  I know my time will come, but I am only human and I am not that patient after 12 years of doing it alone.  She also told me that maybe GOD meant for me to be alone in my life, I do not agree with her at all.  I think that if he meant for me to be alone, I wouldn’t be as passionate about spending my life with someone else, about having more kids.  I don’t think his intention is for anyone to be alone. I think that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks, I think that married people shouldn’t tell single people “it will be ok, you will find the right person” and then tell me something is wrong with me because I don’t have one.  Telling me I need to change the way I am to get a man is the worst advice I have ever heard, especially when about 95% of the married people that I know aren’t very happy. So I had a long conversation with GOD and let it all out, now I await his response as I try to listen to the answer he is giving me. GOD has made me the strong person that I am so why would he not pair me up with the man of my dreams (within reason, this is not a Cinderella story). All that I want I can have with his help. So to GOD I say, get on with it, I am ready to feel what I want to feel and share who I am and what I have.  I am ready to go to bed next to someone and to feel safe, I am ready to go through the fire and survive with someone.  I am ready to love with all my heart, and I am ready to find the one who is willing to fight together and who will love the same way.  I am ready to wake up smiling because that person makes me happier because they are there.  To share my life with someone, not just live in existence next to another person.

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