Today marks the fourth year anniversary of my nephew, Dustin’s, passing. The wounds are still fresh as I sit here and remember the events of that day and it feels like it has just happened. This website was designed by my brother and sister in an effort to help them deal with the loss of a son and mend the pain that will never go away. Every year since the accident goes by the ache in our hearts remains, the long lasting effects on our family is evident everyday and there seems to be such a change in our lives since the events of that day. Every holiday brings on a sadness that he is no longer here with us to celebrate. Every birthday we ask ourselves why and still have no answer.
We feel a dread on January 1st knowing that the anniversary has come around yet once more, and as babies are born and events happen we hope that this day is not tainted by any other events because today is the day that we have a hard time being happy and celebrating anything. I look at his pictures often and I am still thinking that this is incomprehensible that this tragedy has happened to our family. We remember him and tell stories of the things that we remember as we still try to deal with our pain. Sometimes the memories make us laugh and sometimes they make us cry. My heart is often heavy, and it has brought a great uneasiness to me to know that someone that you love can be taken away so early and so quickly with no warning and no time to say I love you and goodbye. I remember driving to my brother and sisters house on that morning thinking the whole time that Dustin will be ok, that he is not dead but hurt and on his way to the hospital as I fought back the bile vomit that rose from my stomach at the thought that he would not be alive. Arriving there for my brother and sister and seeing the ambulance, my sister rushing out to grab a hold of me as I got out of my car. As soon as I held her I knew the horrible truth that I was trying to convince myself was not really happening.
Since the accident I can’t help but think every time one of our children walk out the door that they won’t be back and I have to fight myself to allow my own daughter to grow up a little bit and give her the freedom to do some things that result in her growing into a teenager. I have nightmares every time she stays with friends or goes to hang out at the mall or somewhere that I am not. Every year she gets older I wonder if this will be the last year that I am blessed to have her in my life. I am also pregnant with my second child and can’t help but feel like maybe my baby will not make it because we never know how our future or fate will be decided for us. I have wanted another baby for so many years, and I always think that sometimes you want something so bad that it will not happen. I am scared everyday when my other nephew’s, niece, and my own daughter want to do something that may cause them harm. My own mind and imagination goes wild every time they are not at home and whenever they want to “walk to their friend’s house” or when they get off the bus. You would think that as time goes on these fears would dissipate, but in truth I think that they are getting worse.
I remember the hundreds of people who attended Dustin’s funeral and how there was not a dry eye in the funeral home as the service went on and we got up to say our goodbyes to Dustin, the effect as my whole body shook with sadness as I made a speech that forever hangs next to his picture on my wall. I think of all the people in our family that were there and the magnitude of people who supported my brother and sister in this time of need for them. As still I watch the news and see all these people that have died in Haiti, as well as think back on 9-11 and see what a great out pouring of generosity people are putting forth for these people who are in need and dying that they don’t even know. What hurts me the most is that there are people in our own family that will take part in these tragedies around the world and these will be events that will be remembered yearly in the news stories. People will take time every year to remember people lost and will take a moment of silence to pray for their families. This is a great thing, but many of these people in our own family that remember these events in our country still don’t remember what happened on January 23rd 2006 in our own family. I am amazed and disappointed that many of our family members only remember Dustin’s passing and accident when I tell them that this is the anniversary. We are family and I can’t believe that something that is so devastating to this day for us is just another day for so many others. Those who didn’t know Dustin would have no reason for today to be such a sad day, but the people in our family that took part in the funeral and cried like he was their own son can’t even remember what happened just a short 4 years ago and I wonder how could they forget? Maybe I am naive to think that people’s day should be forever changed like ours has, but I am truly amazed that it is such an easy thing for people to forget when they can remember events across the world that effected no one that they loved, but people that they did not know and they still have to be reminded of the date a family member has left this world.
I understand that everyone’s tragedies are their own. We all deal with things differently and we all have our own degrees of grief. I could never pretend to imagine how my brother and sister feel on a daily basis that their son is not here. I could never imagine how my nephews or niece feel that their brother is gone. I know how I feel about it and it could never compare to the grief that they are dealing with every day, every holiday, and every birthday. I can only support them and love them and deal with my own feelings and understand that theirs are much greater and deeper than my own, as they are his parents and brothers and sister. It pains me so that there are only a handful of the people in our family who remember this day like we do. There are only a few close family members that will grieve for Dustin today, out of the hundreds that came to his funeral there will be only a handful that will look upon this day as we do. To the rest, this day did not happen four years ago, and it has become just a bad memory of “that day” in the back of their minds one day “sometime in January”.
No one new in our lives will ever remember that day or the effects that it truly had on us, they will not understand why this day has so much pain and why my brother and sister will not participate in any parties or get togethers’ today for someone else’s celebration. It is not that they are selfish or don’t want to celebrate for others, it’s because today is a day of remembrance and sadness, today is a day that we cannot forget, today is a day to be together and love and support each other. Today is the day that we remember like it just happened.

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