The Dead Beat Boyfriend
Fri, Jan 11, 2008
OK so the dead beat parents post by apaquette was a big success, so I thought I would continue with a rant about a dead beat boyfriend. This guy really pisses us off! He is lazy, jobless, unmotivated, immature and oh yeah did I mention lazy? He has been with our daughter almost three years now and has worked less than 16 months! He graduated high school and wanted to be a “rock star” so he lived with mommy and daddy until they kicked him out. (numerous times I might add!) His excuse is always “I’m looking for a job, but there is nothing out there” I would have to agree that it is hard to find a job around here, but the local McDonalds is always hiring! Anything is better than nothing, especially when he promised our daughter he “changed” and would take care of her. Well she is the one working, paying the bills, cleaning the house, cooking dinner and asking her parents to borrow money. He is sitting on his fat ass playing Nintendo all day! We don’t know why she puts up with it, it is driving us crazy! He worked one job at Stanley Steemer that lasted three months before he was “laid off”. He throws it in her face all the time how he worked so hard and she never felt sorry for him. Well I have a new flash for you real people work for a living! She attended a class in November to get her CNA, while she was working and he says that is why they are in financial trouble. He said if she did not pay for that class then they would have money, well for one she now has a better job because she has her CNA and he doesn’t even work, maybe that is why they can’t pay their bills. This “boy” has never worked a hard day in his life, he is always whining and giving my daughter shit, well I have one thing to say……Have some respect, GROW UP AND GET A JOB!
master says:
Jan. 12, 2008
Gee, what a fine piece of poop that boyfriend is. I’ve known guys/girls like that. They’re perfectly comfortable allowing their significant other work to pay the bills while they live the life of a snot-nosed teenager. I can’t imagine being like that, myself. Not only was I not brought up that way, but hell, the guilt would be intolerable. I have a friend whose daughter is married to a guy who sits around all day playing video games while she works 2 jobs to make ends meet. This guy is about 24 or 25 years old. My friend’s daughter and her “worthless” other came up one time, acting as if they just wanted to stop in and say hi at first. An hour later, the daughter gets up the nerve to ask us for money. I laughed and then replied, “Sorry, we’re short on funds at the moment.” Her worser half, a few minutes later, starts bragging about how far he has gotten on this video game he has been playing for three months. Again, I let out a chuckle and then remark, “Hey, you should put that on your resume.” When he looked at me funny, I said, “Oh, that’s right…. why would you need or want a resume?”
Do you ever feel like saying things like that to your daughter’s boyfriend?
anonymous says:
Jan. 12, 2008
he is only hurting himself. there will come a day that the girlfriend will wake up and the day will come maybe not as soon as you would like it to be… when he has no one to help. than he can go live on the streets and found a spot to plug in the game…the old saying goes once a death beat always a death beat!!!!!! but hey pray for him . i always say count your blessing because he could be a lot worse….he could be into drugs..or be hitting..there is always someone worse…but she will wake up it just take time…..one of these days she will be knocking on your door bags and all. just be thankful he is NOT your son……
Xtek says:
Jan. 13, 2008
Agreed as well he is only hurting himself, but your daughter must love the hell outta him!
Chad & Stacey says:
Jan. 14, 2008
Yes, master we have said numerous little comments like that, he just laughs them off, which really boils our blood. Yes, I am also glad he is not “our son” at least we see our daughter trying to be an adult. Xtek she does love the hell outta him just wish we could change her mind, but she is our daughter so we love her no matter what her “bad” choice is.
W says:
Jan. 16, 2008
It always puts me off to hear about stuff like this, mostly because I’m a single fellow and can’t see why women choose lazy pieces of crap over good guys like myself. He must have that extra x-factor that makes him a real charmer.
Sandra says:
Jan. 22, 2008
I am 46 years old. I was content for years to live alone.
I make a decent living.
Then I met this tall, dark, handsome and charming man.
We have been together for 18 months.
Looking @ my final pay stub this year, I doubled my income from last year, and have nothing to show for it.
Oh, he works. I just never see any money. He lies, disappears, doesn’t answer his phone, and has taken financial advantage of me to an extreme. I cannot blame anyone but myself for this. I found this site by searching for dead beat boyfriends. I was feeling guilty about my decision to kick him out.
Not anymore. He goes today.
I am changing my locks, telling him to find somewhere else to go TODAY, and I will bring his property to him.
Age doesn’t seem to be a factor in getting caught up in bad relationships. Thank you all for posting this. It is exactly what I needed to hear.
Chad & Stacey says:
Jan. 22, 2008
Sandra, glad these words were able to help you and that you’re going to stand up and do what is best for you. I agree age is not a factor in bad relationships, we see it all the time with young and old. Life is short, don’t feel guilty for kicking out a dead beat. Good Luck with everything.
Chata says:
Jul. 2, 2008
I just want to say that these so called deadbeat boyfriends are not as stupid as we give them credit for. My daughter has had one latched on to her for 2 yrs now and he is a real peice of work. It is a interacial relationship, They jsut graduated from school and she had it all planned out what she wanted to do with her life. He tore down her dreams and made them his, he wants to join the services because they will give him free room and board plus a wage. Get this he wants to be a cop…lol so now she has put her plans away and is going to go into the services as well. Don’t get me wrong I have the up most respect for the services and the people that join,But not this lazy SOB. I have seem him take her self esteem and rip it apart and be little her infront of her family, friends, his family and to top it off he has gotten violent and abusive. I seem this beautiful, strong, lots of self esteem young lady and turn her into a weak, non smiling, no self esteem, no self worth, non motivated person. She acts as though she is her to do for him and him only, she has stole money from me for him, she feeds him food I bought, she has the car she drives him around. He snaps his fingers and she is off. He has yelled at her for something he should of done that didn’t get done. He sits and plays video games all day and gives the excuse that there are no jobs out there. It was a fight just to get her to graduate this yr for she didn’t care she just wanted to be by him. This so called boyfriend that dumped her 3 times to go play with others. He has it made and he knows it he gets fed, money, a taxi, the list goes on. I jsut want her to realize what he is before her life is totally destroyed. I have voiced my opinion it made it worse, taken the cell phone, the car, the money away all of which I supplied. So she could get her life started in the right direction. I have backed off and now it jsut seems to keep getting worse. If anyone out there is having the same problems I would appriciate any feed back you could give me. Mom is working on last nerve.
Chad & Stacey says:
Jul. 3, 2008
Chata,
We know how you feel. I don’t really have any sound advice for you, I’m sorry. Our daughter is still in the same situation as we had posted in January. Her boyfriend now has a job as a janitor, but still works minimal hours and is not even trying to get anything better. The worst part is now she is pregnant and we still help them out when they are in dire straights. She talks about leaving him, but it is only talk. He is verbally abusive and we are not sure about the physical part, but I wouldn’t put it past him. The advice we have been given is to cut them off completely, in which we have done, but only the past couple weeks. Your daughter has to make that decision for herself and anything you say she probably won’t hear. It is a learning experience that she will have to figure out for herself. I know that is hard to hear as a mother, we always want to protect our children. Just try to be there for her emotionally when she needs you. Encourage her to pursue “her” dreams not his. Remind her that she is her own person and can make her own decisions. We feel your pain and we wish we could help further, but as I said we are still in the same situation with our daughter. Good luck and we wish the best for you and her.
Chata says:
Jul. 15, 2008
Chad & Stacy I thank you very much for your advise unfortunatly it is all I have been able to do to let her learn her own leason. I have cut her off finacially and he was not to happy with that. He was hurting her in front of me in my house the other day and so I went and got the video recorder “what’s that for evidence” then right out of the blue she started to yell and scream at me telling me that all I ever do is make it worse. Screaming at tme to stay out of her F–cking buisness well guess what now the video recorder has come up missing and well all I get is “I dont know”. I hate the fact that I might have to pack up all my belongs if I want to hang on to them. I am sorry to hear that your daughter is in the same relationship, it is very hard as a parent to just stand by and watch it all fall down. I am affraid that I have come to the point that I couldnt even be there for her when she is going to need it. She wont talk to me and ignores me in my own home. But le ther need something and BOOM where’s Mom….not any longer I cant do it. I want to thank you both very much for takling with me and sharing your situation it is nice to know that I am not alone.
laurie says:
Jul. 16, 2008
I have a comment about a slightly different scenario and maybe people can help me. I have been living with a man for about 7 years.I have 2 children (19 &23) The older one has recently gotten his own apartment and the younger one is in college. In the 10 years that I have been with this man he has had extreme financial problems. He works but does not make enough to contribute anything towards any household expenses. He is 57 years old and says he is too old to really find a better job. His health is not the greatest but he is completely able to work.He owes me over $10,000 along with owing his friends and father thousands of dollars.He is other than his money problems a pretty good boyfriend. I am afraid that I too am too old to find someone else( I am 56) but I cannot stand the financial situation. I am struggling with bills and college loans for my kids and he is no help at all. I do not expect him to pay for my kids but if he helped with other bills I would have more money to pay these loans and other expenses. He only seems to have money to pay his own bills(car insurance,his credit cards,his life insurance ,his medical insurance,his gas) He always promises me that things are getting better at his job(he sell insurance-straight commission) but yet he still never has any money to give me. I have talked to him about this until I am blue in the face and he tries to make me feel like I am being bitchy to keep bringing up the subject and says he is trying but right now he cannot help out with any expenses.
I feel like the biggest fool for putting up with this for so long and now I feel like its too late to make a change in my life.Can people please give me their opinions. I really need advice.
Jeannie says:
Jul. 30, 2008
I’m a 36 year old woman with a 36 year old deadbeat boyfriend. We’ve lived together for six years, and he has not worked even one day the entire time. He’s also still married. He left his wife back in Georgia to move in with me. We met on the internet.
He has done absolutely nothing but live off of me, verbally abuse me, and ignore what he needs to do regarding his divorce. His wife back down south has not even asked for a divorce.
My problem is that I’m so used to being with him, and close to him, that even though he sits on his butt all day playing video games; I notice a theme here, I feel too weak to throw him out of my life.
I suppose I am an enabler, or codependent. I know I deserve more than this in life, but coming out of a physically abusive relationship before him has made me thankful for anyone who doesn’t hit me.
He doesn’t cheat on me, or use p_rn, and he doesn’t chat with others on the net. I have made sure of this by bugging my second computer with a keylogger. He has no idea it is there, and is not very computer literate.
I had to claim him as a dependent on my taxes last year. Why am I so weak minded? I need a man who is decent and kind, and hardworking, not a spoiled manchild. I am really hating myself for this. I am ashamed, and very very sad.
Gina says:
Aug. 19, 2008
I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has lived with me for 8 months and never helped on a single bill at all. He has only worked 5 months out of the last year and barely makes ends meet at the end of the month. I dug him out of some bad times and he owes me at least $4,000. He also owes other people money too. He hasn’t paid his car payments and in turn, the repo man is looking for it, he barely can make the 350 dollars a month child support payments that he needs to or else he’ll get in trouble, and on top of that he keeps bumming money off me for his pack or two a day cigarette habit.
He claims he’s tired of being broke, but isn’t willing to go out and do whatever it takes to make ends meet. He refuses to work weekends, past certain hours, or doing something he feels is “beneath him”.
I make pretty good money and he said that he’s not using me, but does “need my help” which to me means, he wants my bank account. I’m sick of this where every man I date is a deadbeat and then lies to you or manipulates you to feel bad for them again, only starting the cycle over where you’re miserable, always working and paying for everything, and they are playing video games, going out with their friends, or otherwise having “fun”.
I’m only 28 and I have so much more to look forward to in my life. I’m not about to turn into “mommy” when I have no kids and I still want to live a good portion of my life before I get married and maybe decide to have kids. I also hate myself for doing this to myself. I’m a fool. I should never have let someone that has nothing push me around like this.
Doris says:
Sep. 8, 2008
I thought I was the only one in this boat. I have a terrific job but worked a long time to get where I am. I met this guy after my divorce and he was so kind to me and helped me in a time of need. I offered for him to move in with me to help with finances. I was able to handle it on my own but after being married 25 years I was scared to do it alone. I knew his credit was bad but he kept telling me he needed time to get it fixed. Thank goodness I didn’t put his name on the house! His car was repo’d and he said I need a car and i can’t get a job without a car. So I took a loan out for a car (title and loan under my name). he moved his kids in and prevented mine from staying there. He was not able to meet his bills and kept asking me to pay because we were a couple and it was the right thing to do. Well I put out close to $30,000 to help him out and that still didnt cut it. He lost his job and for the past 6 months didn’t look for a job. He now says he is sick and can’t work yet he took many vacations over the 6 months. I couldn’t get him out of the house…he wouldn’t leave so I left. After a few months of getting past the guilt , anger etc I gave him a deadline to get out of my house. I am an intelligent woman yet I got into this mess and I have learned a valuable lesson. They will throw the guilt on you..that is what a manipulator will do. They will bleed you dry. After all I have been through he is going to be escorted out by the police and return my car to me as well. My only fear is that he will retaliate and I am afraid to move back into that house for fear of what he will do since he now says I am throwing him out to the streets and taking everything away from him. Everything he had was because of me. If I have to sell the house and move I’ll do that…but finally have to take a stand and take control over my life and my destiny
Chata says:
Sep. 20, 2008
Well I hope for some of you the situation has changed as for me the drama still contiues. If anything it has only gotten worse. I have something I would like to share that I wrote for my daughter and all she could reply was why do you write such crap. My little Girl My little girl why do you look at me with such hate with eyes that once showed love? Why do you speak words of such hate from a mouth that once said MOMMY I LOVE YOU? All your looks of hate and words of dislike do not compare to the hole they have torn in my heart and yet still I love you my little girl. We are beyond repair especially if you do not want it. I can no longer look into the eyes that hate me so nor can I listen to the voice with words that cut so deep. The hole in my heart so deep and wide it has left my life empty and cold. For I have lost my little girl and yet I still love you my little girl. Well thats it but you know it does nothing to put your heart out there it still only gets stepped on. I am at such a loss but I hope it is going well for others. Take care my friends and try to keep smiling even if only for your selves.
Chata says:
Oct. 16, 2008
well hello everyone still have the same damn problems I know I do. I dont know what to do any longer this kid has driven me to become some one I dont like and have never thought I would have become. My GOD what is going on with girls today that they have to put up with this shit in their lives. I know I have taught my daughter to no only respect others but her self as well and all I see is her bending over back wards to keep this piece of shit in her life. I kept telling my self that I will just keep my composure and she will wake up, HELLO how much more can I take hell even his own family has kicked him out and oh yeh you guessed it the SOB worked his way into my house and now it is getting totally out of control. I am asking anyone out there if you have any good advise please tell me now or god help me I am going completely in sane. I love my daughter but I am seeing nothing from her except a slamed door in my face, well yeh unless she oh excuse me her SOB piece of shit talks her into trying to get something from me. Thenk it is like a complete turn around and hell I dont even know her or which way she is going to turn anymore. It has to change it just has to someone out there has to have been able to have the trash taken to the curb so to say. I just dont think I can be there for her anylonger it has cost em too much and now it is affecting my health. It has come down to her getting out and taken the trash with her or I me going into the ground. Anyway I hope that reading my problems makes yours more bareable knowing that you are not alone it seems that everyone has trash to take out. Take care everyone.
Chad & Stacey says:
Oct. 21, 2008
Chata,
Thank you for letting us know what is going on. I know it is so hard, my only advice is they both have to go. Your life, your health is what should be on your mind. We are still going through the same thing with our daughter, only now she is pregnant. Our first grandchild, we should be excited except the father is a deadbeat. They have “broken up” for the time being because he won’t man up even after creating a new life. It makes us sick to see our daughter do everything possible to still keep a hold of him. She is living back at home with us, but he has no intention of taking care of this baby. My husband and I have faced the fact that the financial burden will be on us. Don’t get me wrong I love the little guy that will join us in January, but he DAD should be fitting the bill and taking care of our daughter, not us. He will not even go to her OB appointments, I have been there for her, but she always runs to him.
I hope you do what is right for you, Chata. She is a big girl now, I know it is hard, but maybe it is time to say enough, is enough.
Keep us informed and God Bless you!
Mike says:
Oct. 24, 2008
My daughter is in a similar situation. She is flunking out of school, but spends two hours a day talking to loser boyfriend. It started last summer and I thought it would end when school started, however, it just keeps getting worse. I want to block his phone number, but am told that she will jump to defend him while hating his mother and I even more than she claims to now. She knows he is a loser but still hangs on. She does nothing in college except go to school and talk on the phone to him. Should I try to sever contact between her and loser boyfiend?
Gina says:
Oct. 26, 2008
Mike,
If she’s flunking school, then I would not pay for her to go to school. She’s probably spending too much time with the boyfriend and not her studies. If she’s still living with you, I would talk to her and tell her that she needs to get good grades, have a job, be responsible, etc to continue to live in your house. She can’t get a career for the future by flunking. Set some ground rules and boundaries. If she keeps overstepping the boundaries and not listening, you may need to get more strict with her. Trying to sever contact between her and her boyfriend…hmmm…that’s a tough one. My father did that with a guy that my sister was going out with. In no way was he a looser, it was the opposite…my sister was a bit “loose” (if you know what i mean) and seemed proud she was being with him at only 16 years of age. My father found some note that her boyfriend wrote her about what they were going to “do next”. He forbid her to see him and actually had him come over for a “meeting” and forbid him to see her. The end result was a lot of sneaking around on my sisters part, sneaking on the phone late at night, lying, etc. Eventually she ended ties with him, so my dad did get what he wanted. Too bad cause the kid ended up being a police detective, a musician and had 2 beautiful children with someone else. Things aren’t always what they seem.
So you set some boundaries. Tell her she can only talk to him after all her schoolwork is done. If she isn’t being responsible and getting good grades in school, I guess you have to turn the clock back and treat her like a baby again. I would tell her this.
Girlfriend of a Deadbeat says:
Nov. 11, 2008
I’ve spent the last week seeking solace in the stories of others who have been in my predicament. I think the next step in finding my cure is to share my own saga.
I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago through a mutual friend. He was a kitchen manager/bartender at a neighborhood sports bar who talked about opening his own place. The night we met (much to my horror) was karaoke night and all the neighbors were sharing their talents. My friend knew he could sing and she sent him to the stage. 2 verses into Fly me to the Moon, I was hooked. Things moved quickly and before I knew what happened I was introducing him to my parents . Then all of a sudden it was Valentines. He loved to come over and make dinner for us so I thought it would be the perfect occasion to give him a key to my place and his own drawer in my dresser. Ignorance was bliss.
I knew a lot about him by then. He was divorced, had married too young but had a wonderful son to show for it. His son lived 2 hours north with his mother but he drove up to see him whenever he could. He wanted to make sure things were really right between us before I met his son which I was extremely happy to hear. I felt like we could talk about anything, share everything… it was wonderful.
A few weeks later I found myself in a familiar conversation with him. “Why don’t we ever stay at your place?” He told me that he had his own place and I assumed in the great tradition of men that he had no clue how to pick his underwear up or clean his bathtub. That would be enough to cure me of overnight guests. We had lunch one cold and nasty winter afternoon and we had planned to stop at his place after to pick up a few things. Finally, I was going to see the behind the scenes of my new found love. We pulled up to an older apartment building and he was very quiet. “I need to tell you something. I DO have a roommate.” It made me smile for a minute that he had been this embarrassed over something so minor. Then he said, “… and it’s my Mom.”
A few thoughts raced through my brain. “I’m supposed to walk through the door and meet his mother.” Yikes. Panic #1. Not mentally prepared for that.. check lipstick, am I dressed okay?.. .holy crap what did he say her name was again? Then came Panic #2, “Oh my God, he’s slept over HOW many times in the last few months?” I’m a tramp, this is so inappropriate. I’m 33 years old and could never slap my Mom with something like this. He must have seen my face because he explained that after his parents split up that she needed a place to stay and had been too depressed to be on her own. (Heart tug but still mortified that this woman would see me as a total whore.)
We walked into the apartment and it took about .05 seconds to recognize that this was his Mother’s home. I sat at the end of a sofa cushion with a plastered smile thinking, “I’m so done, what a liar.” He obviously was living with his Mom, not the other way around. The rest of the visit is a blur but the conversation and tears on his part when we got back to the car still remain clear. “I thought you wouldn’t understand. I was embarrassed. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, it’s been killing me. I’ll never, EVER lie to you again.” Oh if that only could have been true.
Hind sight. What an atrocity that we cannot see what’s right in front of us, only what’s behind. You forgive, that’s what you do.. you ignore that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is wrong. You think, “he makes me smile, my Dad and brother like him, he taught me to golf, he likes to make me dinner and calls me beautiful in the morning.”
A few months later he started talking more seriously about his future. He decided that working in the restaurant biz might not be the best long term plan. I couldn’t agree more but found using the terms “getting a big boy job” didn’t go over well. He found a position through a temp agency, 40 hours per week, Mon – Friday. PERFECT. Only he gave his notice and left his job at the restaurant before signing any paperwork or finalizing the contract. Guess what, NO CONTRACT. I was out of town on a vacation with my family when he called and said he got the job. I asked questions about the position and contract but he seemed to have a grasp on what was going on. I should have asked more questions of him. I was recruiter straight out of college and nothing is set in stone till the paperwork is signed. I should have known then that he didn’t know how to take care of things or of himself. I chalked it up to inexperience and chose to believe in him instead.
That’s when the part time work started. Actually he was living off his savings for 2 months and then the part time work started. I was getting a little frustrated at this point. He was technically living with me but obviously in no situation to split costs. I told him something needed to be contributed and we decided that he would cover utilities. This was basically $200 per month. I also asked if he would take over trash and recycling duties as it’s my least favorite household chore. Happy to dodge bathroom cleaning, he agreed. And since he would be out in that area I gave him my mail key so he could bring that in on his way back. (Hindsight, never give away control of any form of communication. )
He was working a few days a week and started talking about going to school. GREAT!! LOVED the idea. He was in the military and never had cashed out on his GI bill. Because he could claim his son every other year and due to his income, I knew grants would be coming his way. With all the funding he would MAKE money by going to school. He signed up and got on board.
We told his son that he was going back to school. His son was now living in the area and spending every other weekend with us. Now I hate to sound old fashioned but there were some things that bothered me about this. First of all, we weren’t married or engaged and living together. What the heck does his son/parents/family think of this? How much were we confusing this kid? The second reason was much more selfish. One of the things I love about my apartment is my extra room… my computer, my guest bed, … call it my feeling of normal. I wanted the bigger apartment so I had that extra space. Not a huge goal or accomplishment but something that made me feel good. Not so much after that. The duvet I made was thrown in the closet so a boy friendly comforter (courtesy of the boyfriend’s mother) could be used. Boxes, toys, cars, Playstations took over. Okay, I know that’s the best thing for him. I kept thinking “Quit thinking of yourself and grow up. Let’s make him feel wanted and that he has his own place in his Dad’s home.” (Hindsight, when did this actually become “Dad’s”place? Did we have that conversation because I don’t remember it. I remember giving someone a key and a drawer and a few post-cocktail, pre-coitous flirtations with the idea, but NOT an actual plan or conversation)
3 or 4 weeks later I jumped on my computer. He had left his email open and there was a note from one of the instructors in his program. “I haven’t seen you since the first day of school. Are you officially dropping my class?” (Panic attack) I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn’t like the classes and it wasn’t the right program. Obviously the thought of speaking to a councilor or checking into another program hadn’t crossed his mind. I asked him what he had been doing all day when he was telling me he was in school. He was mortified. I dug for a while and finally got an answer. “TV.” “Computer.” Funny, he was always caught up on the TiVo list and I never seemed to notice. He begged me to forgive him, swore that he loved me and that he would do anything to make it right. (Hind sight, when that funny “something’s wrong” tickle hits your tummy, it’s okay to ask questions)
I had long discussions with my friends and family. What do I do? Some said boot him, some said try to see if there is any way to save it. They knew I was happy with him. They all said they had seen a change in me. I bit my lip and went home that night prepared to give him an ultimatum. Better job, go to school or move out. What a plan!!
He chose school of course and I asked him a ton of questions about what he liked to do, jobs he might like, working with people or alone… everything I could think of. I dug around through the school’s website trying to find something that might work for him. (Hindsight, never be more interested in your partner’s future than he is)
Mechanical Design. He was going to be a drafter. I knew some things about the program and the job that followed. My future sister in law was in admissions for the school and filled us in on the program details. My brother had taken a similar program years ago and was now managing a drafting/programming department. We were all happy for him that he found something that he wanted to do. I honestly never cared what program he was in, I just wanted to see him do something with his life. A job or career that gave something back to him… vacation, benefits, something. He was 29 years old when I found him living with his mother, working in a sports bar without so much as a bed or a TV to his name. Not exactly the high end of success. If he thought that was okay, truly believed that there was nothing wrong with that, why did he lie to hide it?
That was the fall of 2007. My brother and his wife got married in Mexico that October. We all flew out for a week at beautiful resort to celebrate with them. My boyfriend of course was in no situation to take care of his own trip. He told me 3 weeks before the down payment was due that he had been trying to save but there was no way he could come up with the cash. I thought about it for a few days and decided that if we were going to end up together, I didn’t want to look back and think that he missed my only sibling’s wedding because of $1400. I wrote up a contract and asked him if he would be willing to sign it. I told him that based on things that had happened and because it was a tidy sum of cash that he had to give me some guarantee that he would pay me back. He was happy to sign. He told me he would make sure it was cleared through all of his instructors and that in most of his classes he could work ahead so he wouldn’t be behind when we got back. (Hindsight, don’t be a sucker!! It might have seemed like your idea but he’s been planting that seed for months!!) (Did I mention that I found out he was $500 behind on his child support before we left? Of course he had a plan to take care of that as soon as we got back)
Of course Mexico was WONDERFUL. We had plenty of time to sneak away for romantic moments. The night of their wedding our group of 20 or so ended up in a bar on the resort. It was kind of a dance club/karaoke bar. He took me by the hand out on the dance floor and danced with me while he sang, “Fly me to the Moon.” There were tears in my aunt’s eyes when he brought me back to the family. “Oh you HAVE to marry him!!” I heard from several people that they thought he was going to propose while we were on the trip. I had almost hoped so too but I knew if he didn’t have a grand for a trip, there was no way he could swing a ring.
Then things started to change. It was Nov. 30th, the night before my brother’s wedding reception back here in the States when something happened. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it was but I saw him snap. We had been out with my cousin for the night. She had flown in from AZ and the martinis were flowing. We got home safe and sound but he and I were arguing over something stupid. She went to bed and we kept arguing. That’s when I hit the floor. He didn’t hit me, but he pushed me and I ended up with a bloody rug burn on my knee. I told him to get out and he started freaking out even worse. My iron barstool flew across the room, my favorite clay dish smashed against the wall. I found him in the garage, in my car, garage door closed, engine running. Tears, apologies… I bought it all. I know part of it was trying to save face in front of my cousin. Part of it was the impending family reunion the next day. Regardless, it was a terrible night. The appologies folloewed and promises that it would never happen again. He said he new it was cliche but he would never touch me with anything but tenderness again.
We made it through the holidays and he was charming and a tad remorseful. He still wasn’t working full time so I helped to make sure we had gifts for everyone, his family and mine. I wanted everything to be like it was… so it was. I chalked our bad night up to too much alcohol and let it go. I played “Suzy Homemaker” and made a nice Christmas for us. The tree, the gifts, starting our own traditions, more gifts. Everything felt better.
Fast forward to this Summer. I couldn’t tell you what was going on in our relationship but something had changed. We talked about being more affectionate and why we didn’t cuddle like we used to. He mentioned that I had gained weight. Not my favorite subject. Yes it’s true I packed on some pounds in the last year but I tried to tell him there were better ways to approach me on the subject. He told me I drank too much. Ouch… and probably true as well. I did notice that he always offered to drive… which to me felt like a free pass. (Hindsight, True, I was using the free ride home to my festive advantage. I think too that I was using booze as a crutch to avoid those pesky feelings of something being wrong because after a glass or two of wine, I didn’t think about it)
We had a nice Summer. He was still working part time but was planning on going back to the original restaurant that we had met for a full time position in August. We golfed with friends, spent time with my family and his. Music, we saw a lot of live music which I hadn’t really done in years. We made plans with my brother and his wife to go back to Mexico in December. I talked to him about it at nauseam to make sure he wanted to go AND could pay for it. We agreed and I put down the initial deposit and started getting excited about our trip. His school schedule started up late in August. He worked his classes around his hours at the restaurant but that meant full days for him Mon-Fri plus an extra shift on Saturday. I was proud of him for making things work and busting his butt. Finally it seemed like he was getting it, that “big boy” life and that you have to work to make things happen.
Yes we had other fights. Most of it was verbal but I ended up pushed on the ground at least one more time. One wasn’t so much physical as emotionally draining. One night brought up the idea of getting full time custody of his son. Great idea, but not in my apartment. He needed to get his own place and work out his own situation. I didn’t know how to explain it without being horrible. I felt claustrophobic at the idea of 2 dependant guys in my home. I make a decent living but not enough to support the 3 of us. I don’t know why this was my first instinct, assuming that I would bear the burden. Probably because he was in school and couldn’t work full time. Someone had to cover and I knew that it would be me.
If I can be honest, and I hate to even say this but I also have some concerns with his son. I don’t know exactly what it is, but something is not right. He’s 11 but very immature for his age. He’s withdrawn, almost sullun and makes everyone I’ve introduced him to uncomfortable. He won’t engage. The whining and pouting put me on edge and my guy didn’t see it. He never saw a problem with his actions. I started asking questions within his family to see if anyone else saw these issues, if there was some history or pattern. Maybe I was just wrong but I needed someone else to confirm it. I felt like my hands were so tied because he wasn’t my child and it wasn’t about wild, horrible behavior… it was like he was broken inside. I questioned everyone I could in his family and all of them said that the son was and had been a difficult child. I was so busy trying to get my guy going that I didn’t know how to take on another person. I felt that this was his responsibitliy to acknowledge and help with. (Hindsight, his family also alluded that my guy’s “history” with his son had something to do with it. I assumed abandonment issues from the divorce but I don’t think I dove enough into that. Yet another a phenominally wise decision)
So now it’s November and I’m looking back on the events of the last few weeks. My birthday was at the beginning of last month and my cousin flew back again from AZ. We were bonded single sisters for years when I lived in AZ and she felt the need to cushion the birthday blow with her presence. We had a nice day of golf and then met up with the family for dinner. It was wonderful. My parents came up with tickets for a Packer game the next morning as a surprise. Yes I live in Wisconsin and yes that’s a huge deal. Only problem was that they only had 2 tickets and they were originally slated for me and my guy. Since the cousin was in town and an avid fan, he had relinquished his ticket for her. My Mom had called him the previous week, explained the situation and he said, “no problem, I’ll go next time.” Something about that gesture without any fan fair touched me. If you’re not a sports fan it probably doesn’t make sense but watching the games on Sunday afternoons was our thing. He worked on Saturdays so Sunday was our only day off together and we LOVED hanging out watching football. Packer tickets are few and far between so it felt quite selfless of him to be so generous with what should have been his ticket. (hind sight, Why didn’t I question the motivation? To look good to the cousin who didn’t trust him, to kiss up to my parents or me?)
The game came and went and my cousin flew home. A few days later I had a seminar to attend near home. I commute to work about an hour each way so it was a nice change of pace to be in the area in the middle of the afternoon. I decided to stop home to grab a quick lunch before the training began. I knew in my gut why I didn’t call him and tell him I was coming home. He was supposed to be in school that day till 2 and then come home and get ready for work. I got there at Noon. I knew what he was going to say before it came out of his mouth. “I was in lab this morning and got my work done.” With anyone else I would think this could happen but based on his first attempt at school I didn’t believe him. I told him how important it was for him to be honest with me. That I hated this sick feeling in my stomach that he was lying. He pulled me close, looked me in the eye and said with every bit of integrity that he could muster, “I was in school today. I got my assignments done early and came home to eat something.” (hind sight, those tickles in the tummy that say something’s wrong, listen to them)
I started looking more closely at the patterns of our routine. His day always began at 9, for class or for work. On work days, he hustled out the door a lot more quickly. I didn’t like the idea that he wasn’t as concerned about being in school on time. That’s not like him. He’s a stickler for punctuality and I drove him nuts because I’m always running late. I also started wondering about the mail. I hadn’t seen anything in a while and I knew I had a medical bill coming, in fact I thought it should have been there already. (hind sight, those tickles in the tummy that say something’s wrong, listen to them)
The day came for the final payment on the trip. I remember talking to him that afternoon about paying it off. That was a bigger chunk of cash than he typically had and I know how good it feels to work for something and make it real. He saved the money and this was his turn to pay. He sounded giddy on the phone. I got home that night and he had cleaned up the apartment and had dinner cooking. He also had a belated birthday/Sweetest Day gift waiting for me. I figured he had been saving for the trip and couldn’t afford something this year… not a biggie. I opened the box and found diamond earrings. I was shocked, thrilled, PROUD to say the least. “Finally!!” I thought. “He’s getting his stuff together. He’s been saving!! He gets it!!” I don’t care if those earrings were $200 or $2,000,000, they looked up at me and said, “He’s going to be okay, he’s planning, he’s growing.” (hind sight, symbols don’t mean anything. The proof is in the day to day)
Then, last weekend. It happened. I couldn’t tell you why it became so ugly. I remember telling him that I felt like he was lying to me. That I didn’t believe he was in school. Then it turned. I just remember a lit cigarette hitting me near my eye and then screaming at him to get out. He packed up most of his things. They just happened to be all the things I bought him. All the clothes, the belts, the suit, the ties, he even packed my clothes hangers. I felt nauseous watching him, thinking about our trip, our future, the fun that we had together. I asked him why he couldn’t just be honest with me. He said I was too demanding. I asked him how he could lie to me. He said he didn’t know. He called me a drunk. Ugly things were said and then he flew at me. I was on the ground and he was slapping me. One of the diamond earrings ripped out of my ear and flew across the carpet. I clawed and kicked and tried to get a way. There was a big red mark from my nails on his neck when I got back on my feet. This happened on the floor in front of his son’s room. His son saw it happen. I thought about telling the police that when they knocked on my door 20 minutes later. One of my neighbors called. I could see it in their eyes, now I’m “that” girl. That girl who is in an abusive relationship. That dumb girl who doesn’t know when to get out. That foolish girl that gets used and ends up being just a meal ticket. I was so ashamed. I told them nothing happened.
He was right about the drinking part. I can see that now. Hiding my feelings behind cocktails did neither one of us any good. I swallowed those feelings until I had just enough to feel bold and confront him.
I stayed home the next morning until maintenance could come and change my locks. I was like a zombie that first day. Panic attacks. Asking myself what happened. Not believing that any of it was real. I made it to work in the afternoon and kept to myself. He called and emailed, he wanted to meet to talk. I told him I was far too exhausted to talk. I told him, “Maybe tomorrow.” The next day was Tuesday I tried getting in touch with him, but he was busy going out with his brother. It was his brother’s birthday. I got home that night so depressed, so full of anxiety. It could have been the final kicker that drinking with his brother was more important … could of, but I was up for more humiliation then that apparently.
The maintenance guy was supposed to change the lock on my mailbox as well but he must have gotten busy. Then I noticed a note tucked in my door. It was from the post office. He had received a certified letter and they were holding it for him at the post office. It was from the credit union down the road. He opened an account there about a year ago. I remember that he mentioned an overdraft protection policy that he had taken out. It was basically a $500 loan that you could access if needed. Why would they be sending him a certified letter unless he was overdrawn? Panic attack. I couldn’t get in my mailbox. I started making phone calls. Was he sending checks from that account to pay the utilities?
My cable bill was 2 months behind… but the last payment was a triple payment.. that’s how far he had been letting it slip. Then I called the power company. The bill hadn’t been paid since August. I had to wait till morning to find out how bad this was going to be on my credit. The woman was very kind and helpful but she couldn’t make any promises. He knew I was saving for a house. I have money set aside but it’s not going to help if my credit drops 100 points.
Who does that? Who pays for a trip and buys diamond earrings but lets the utilities fall off for 3 months? Who deliberately destroys the credit of someone they supposedly love?
I was in a state of panic for the rest of the week. It was not-sleeping, not-eating misery.
His Dad contacted me by email over the weekend. He had my ex’s son for the weekend and the son was acting funny. After digging in a bit he told his grandpa that we had gotten into a fight and he saw his dad hit me. Let’s just say Grandpa is a really good guy. He has been nothing but great to me since the first day I met him. I told him everything that happened and he was incredibly supportive. I could tell he wanted to see if this was something that I could work through or if it was over. Even after all of it, I couldn’t answer the question.
Yesterday was Monday so I went to work but I still couldn’t focus. I was stuck in a haze of questions that I wanted answers too. You might have guessed already but I had to make the phone call. It was my last grasp to save the memory of this person that I loved and still wanted to believe was real. It was supposed to be the final proof that even if it had failed, it wasn’t a con, it was love. It ended up the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. I called the Tech where he was going to school. He wasn’t enrolled this semester.
Since August he’s been going through the motions, getting up every day and pretending to go. I keep thinking about all the lies, all the times he looked me dead in the eye, mustering up all the integrity he had and telling me he was in school. I think about the day I took off when my cousin was in town and he left for 3 hours and came back and told us about his class. I never saw a text book, he said he had a locker and kept everything there. I never saw him study, he said he got everything done in his labs. He never talked about friends or people he met, he said he kept to himself. I asked to see his grades and he came up with some odd conversion of a print out on a computer that even he couldn’t make sense of.
I checked the computer history.. sure enough he found time to surf porn while he told me he was at school. I checked the Wii memory… sure enough he found time to pack in a few hours of games while he told me he was at school.
Who is this person? Who would do this to someone? How could he look at himself every day in the mirror and know that he was building a world of lies around himself. I know this man’s family, he wasn’t raised like this.
My friends and family are in disbelief… as am I. We spent so much time with them and they believed it when he said he was looking for a ring for me. Even now they say that they believe he really loved me. They thought his feelings for me were genuine, that he was genuine… unmotivated but real.
His Dad thought I was a good influence on him, that he was finally getting his act together. He was impressed that my guy had gone back to school and was working so hard. (Yes he lied to his parents too.)He was shocked about the hitting, but he didn’t seemed surprised about the school or money. He told me he had been let down in the past by my guy as well.
I still can’t figure out what he did with the money that he DID make and the time he had on his hands? I know it wasn’t drugs. And I dont think it was strip clubs. Was he gambling? Thats the only thing that makes sense. Wouldn’t I have seen it if he had a gambling problem? I know he liked the video machines in the bars but to blow everything on them?.. that just doesn’t make sense.
I want my dignity back. I want this aching to go away. I want to have familiar thoughts and sounds comfort me, not send me into panic.
I want him to know what he did. That it mattered, that I mattered. I want him to feel embarrassed for his actions. I want him to look into the eyes of someone he respects and see that look of disappointment. I want him to know that lies stick to your soul like tar, staining you, congealing like a scab on the inside. I want him to know that people will see it in his eyes. I want him to know that the person he believes himself to be doesn’t exist and all he has is the guy in the mirror, the liar, the coward, the child buried in his own insecurity and failure. I want him to see himself though his son’s eyes, his father’s eyes. I want him to be ashamed.
Chata says:
Dec. 10, 2008
Hello Mike I am sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing as I but it is nice to know that you are not alone in situations like these. I finaly got my daughter graduated out of high school but she has done nithing with her life at this point why because he is still in it. when I first started writting on this sight I had some very good advise given to me by Chad & Stacy. It was so hard to except this advise but after dealing with the situation for so long you finally find your self becomming a very bitter and hateful person (killing you inside) this is not the person I am and dont want to be. So I decided to take thier advise and it helped me tremendously. Trust me it was very very hard to do but your health and sanity comes first. There is absolutly NO WAY to sever your daughter from the looser. She has to realize for her self what a looser he is. She has to realize what it is costing her in her life and future. The more you get involved in your daughters love life the farther you push her right into his plans. Trust me this is very hard to do after all this is your baby girl and you want to protect her. But all she sees is that you do NOT want her to be happy. I have tried accepting this peace of shit into my family more than once but I just can’t do it. So I have tried kicking her out, she comes right back. I tried sending her to her fathers, she comes right back. Now the HARD part I have started to ignore her, let her pay her own way. Started to get on with my life again, making her realize that I am done with all of the hurt and disappointment. She can’t do any more harm to me because I won’t let her. Make her start to depend on herself to get what she wants and make her be more dependant on the dead beat boyfriend. This he (deadeat) will HATE you for. She will soon start to realize and say to her self hey wait amin I am the sole supporter of this relationship and all he does is take. Trust me it is very hard not to get involved in your daughters relationship because you can see him for what he is, but until she can see it for herself trying to sever contact between the two will only cause you to push her farther and farther away and not to mention you make him look good because he is there to make her feel better after fighting with you. All I can honestly say Mike is that when your daughters life starts to fall apart and she has seen this deadbeat for what he truely is, you be the one to be there for her. You will get your daughter back and she will be a stronger person for what life’s lesson has taught her. As a parent we try to protect our kids from some of life’s toughest lessons but you know they have to learn from their mistakes as we have learnt from ours. I pray for you and your family and that your daughter will realize that FAMILY will always be there no matter what and that all you ever wanted was to protect her. Good luck Mike I wish you all the best.
Nurse Gupta says:
Dec. 23, 2008
I sincerely feel the pain of all of the people who have posted comments here. For nearly a year and a half I wasted my time with the dictionary definition of a deadbeat. I’m a 31 year old lady.
The bastard ex in question will turn 37 soon, but has the maturity of a fisher price toy. I was a fool who fell for a total jerk-off. He lives in a shabby apartment, and always pays his rent late. His landlord often threatened to evict him. His phone was disconnected when I met him, due to non-payment. He actually had to ring me up from a payphone. He has a dead-end job, and a criminal record. He also often ran out of toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper! Several times I had to buy him some. When he did buy some, it was the generic brand that feels like sandpaper. He is a lazy mound of useless flesh.
He never once took me out to dinner. When we would go out, which was rare, I always paid for myself. He never once offered. He would rather stay at home, and you guessed it- PLAY VIDEO GAMES! Even on cheap movie nights, he bought his own ticket only, and ate the popcorn and drank the soda that I bought. Once I asked him if I could have some batteries for my camera. He reluctantly gave them to me, only to call back and ask for them a week later. He also once commented that he wouldn’t mind me being the breadwinner of the relationship!!! He has no driver’s license. I drove him around, as well as his ghetto mother, and they never once chipped in for gas money. He has terrible credit too, of course.. Like most freeloaders, he talks about what he’s gonna do with his life, but always ends up doing sweet f*** all. He is also a raging alcoholic. Often he would disappear for days, and ignore my calls. So I would decide to rid myself of him and ignore his calls. This would cause him to flip out. He left nasty messages on my voice mail. See, it was alright for him to ignore me and stand me up, but God forbid I did it to him!!! He was jealous of me because I am more successful than he could ever dream to be. I also travel frequently, and he can’t due to his criminal record and lack of passport.
Anyway I finally dumped his sorry ass FOR GOOD six months ago. I am angry at myself for staying with him for so long. It was difficult. He was really good in bed and had a few other good qualities. In the long run, he was a huge waste of my time and I wish that I had never met this piece of sh**. Ten years from now he’ll still be a deadbeat and I’ll be even more happy and successful. I felt sorry for him but now I realize he’s just a loser and I could do so much better. So basically I have higher standards and expectations involving the company I keep. I am a great person, and I refuse to settle for anything less. I have learned from my mistake. I laugh at what a loser this ex of mine is, and how he calls me up every now and then to try and patch things up. I ignore his calls each and every time. He’ll end up alone for the rest of his pathetic life.
Nurse Gupta says:
Dec. 23, 2008
I also wish to add that I am a survivor of child abuse. It seems to be a common pattern of victims of abuse to become involved with losers. Well I refuse to continue the pattern, and I know that I could only blame myself for tolerating a useless, ignorant, lazy piece of sh** bottom feeder for so long. My friends and family were tired of hearing me complain about him. Basically if a man is not good enough to introduce to your loved ones, then he is not worthy of you. Be strong and settle only for a man who treats you like a queen. Same for the guys out there who date bitches! Let those losers be! Ever since I dumped that f***er, only great things have happened for me! I am dating a new guy now who is very decent, and basically the opposite of the losers I have dated in the past. If you find yourself always doing favors for someone, and they never reciprocate, then you need to move on. Deadbeats suck!!!
Deadbeat says:
Dec. 24, 2008
Hi,
I’m a deadbeat.
I like to use girls for their cars and money that they are willing to spend on me.
I’m not even hot.
I’m not even THAT good in bed.
She’s just desperate, so she does everything for me.
I won’t change, even if I tell her I will. It’s just way more fun this way.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
Oh and I didn’t buy her a gift either.
Cheers!
Freeloading Scum says:
Dec. 24, 2008
Hey to all the single bitter ladies who have posted here! I’m single and ready to mingle! Allow me to introduce myself!
I’m a man in his 30s with no real future. I would actually collect welfare if I could, but they have some new law now that forces you to work. What’s up with that?
My ideal woman is a lady with a good steady income. She must be willing to fork over at least 1/3 of her earnings to me. She must also cook, clean, and do my laundry. She must be extremely attractive as well, although I’m not much to look at. I have about as much sex appeal as Jim Belushi.
My ideal mate must be willing to tolerate verbal abuse. She will be the victim of my rants because I am just a worthless twit with no self-esteem.
My favorite pasttimes include playing video games for hours on end, watching porn, spending other peoples’ money, bumming for rides, calling in sick to work, leaving my place in state of chaos, going after girls way out of my league, especially hot Asian women, talking about how I’ll make it big someday when all I do is sit on the couch.
If any of you ladies are interested, please stop by. I have no phone or internet, as I have been cut off for failing to pay the bill. I live at 555 Scoundrel Road, Arsevill NY 10117.
Too young for this says:
Feb. 23, 2009
I’m seventeen years old. I am a survivor of both physical and emotional abuse. I’m an honor roll student, I was able to skip sophomore year of high school and here I am, graduating in merely a few months. I’m not so sure about college though. My dad keeps “forgetting” to get the money ready for the applications. They’re due in a week. Over two years ago, I met this guy in gym class. He made me laugh. He was only ever prepared enough for gym to not flunk. I really liked him. The only thing was that I would be switching schools soon. I told him that I would be leaving and going to a private school (it’s a school with on-sight therapists to help me overcome my PTSD) and he sounded sad. The day before my last day, he asked for my number and asked me out. The first few months were spent with him making up lies about his parents and himself. I wrote it off as him just trying to impress me and being a stupid guy. He told me that his dad would steal his car keys and hide them along with his phone for no reason. That his internet would constantly be unplugged on him. That his parents hated him. Once I met them, I knew this was far from the truth. I was stupid enough to ignore the lies.
He used the excuse of his parents hiding his car keys to get out of hanging out with me. Sometimes we wouldn’t see each other for weeks on end. Then something happened. Something rather serious. My mom purposely drove her car head on into a tree. She was in the hospital, every bone in her body broken or shattered and deep wounds. He took off work for a week and spent that week trying to hold me together. My mom was schizophrenic and had been trying to kill herself ever since I was a toddler, sometimes in front of me. At the end of the week, she died. Yet he continued to make excuses to leave work and hang out. We were with each other almost every day. His job started threatening to fire him. When things got heated, he ended up quitting. He spent two weeks unemployed, doing nothing before he even started looking for other jobs. He did latch onto one, a better job, with more hours and more money.
I moved out of the house sometime around here. I was living with my neighbors. He started canceling plans last minute and being a real jerk. He would make me fee bad and con me into giving him blow-jobs. He would yell and scream at me and call me names. We started fighting all the time, after never really fighting before that. When we hung out it was always doing what he wanted to do and never what I did. He would touch me inappropriately in public and when I told him to stop he refused to, and people would be angry at me for letting him touch me. In a moment of stupidity, I suggested we have sex. We prepared, got the protection we needed, and eventually did it. Four days later he texted me saying he didn’t feel ready to be in a committed relationship. I still hadn’t recovered from my mom’s death, and needless to say I ended up overdosing on painkillers. I almost died. He took me back, saying he was sorry and didn’t mean anything he said. My neighbors had kicked me out. Fast forward to last spring.
We were supposed to be hanging out at my house, but he was angry at me and didn’t want to anymore. I wanted to talk about it and talk through the problem instead of staying mad. He kept telling me to get out of the car. I refused. Then something I didn’t expect happened, he opened the door and attempted to throw me out. He grabbed onto the flesh on my back and kept twisting it until I started screaming in pain. He kept hitting my back (I was curled up in a little ball) and twisting my skin and clawing me and cursing me out, and my back was in so much pain I couldn’t think. I finally toppled over and fell out of the car onto the pavement, and I couldn’t move. I remember hearing him drive off. I just stayed there. I kept thinking about what had happened in the past and crying. I don’t know how long I was there for, but he came back and forced me to get up. He dragged me into the house and herded me upstairs like I was a sheep. He brought up some ice for me and took off my shirt to apply it. All I heard was “Holy ****…”. He didn’t say anything else until I looked in the mirror. There were bruises everywhere and there was blood soaking through the skin. It was ugly. He cleaned me up and applied the ice for awhile before leaving.
His ex girlfriend and him randomly started being in contact again. I haven’t mentioned her before so I’ll describe it now. When we first started dating they were really close friends. Then they had a falling out, and he thought nothing of her but a slut and trash talked her every chance he got. They stopped talking, and I was still her friend. One day, after six months of them supposedly not being in contact, he cradled me in his arms and said he’d have to cancel his plans with me the coming Saturday because he was going to a Halo competition. I knew something was fishy since it was Halo 3, which can be played online. He wouldn’t have to go to the person’s house. I let it slide. A few days later we got into a fight. It turns out that he was actually going to his ex girlfriends house, where nobody would be home, to “hang out with her”. I told him not to. He asked why, and I said “Why should I approve if you lied to me?” Next thing I knew, she called me cursing me out, said that she was so much better for him than I was and that they had a “connection”, she then said that I was crazy like my mother and that it was no wonder nobody loved me. She called me a ton of hurtful names, and when my boyfriend found out about this, he DEFENDED HER and refused to stick up for me. He spent all his time following this playing World of Warcraft.
That’s when the wrist incidents started happening. Whenever he got angry he’d grab me by the wrist and twist it so hard that I felt like it was going to break, or he’d pull my arm up behind my back until I felt my shoulder popping out, or he’d choke me. I wanted to go out on dates and have fun, he wanted to stay home and play video games or watch TV. He’d make me feel really bad about “forcing him” to take me out somewhere (he lives very close to everything) so we’d end up only ever going where he wanted and getting what he wanted. I never had a choice. We fought constantly. We’d call each other names and things would start to get out of hand. He was refusing to go to school of any sort at this point, having graduated high school. For a second time he tried to make plans with his ex behind my back, but I discovered it and it was nullified. Girls from his work were hitting on him and trying to get him to hang out with them or go on dates. He kept saying he got along better with girls than guys and that he just wanted to have friends. I’d found out from a friend that also worked there that it was obvious these girls didn’t just want friendship from him and he knew it. I said no. He would flirt with him over the phone. I asked him to stop. He kept saying they were just friends. Eventually, he did delete them from his phone and stopped talking to them.
This past summer, he got more violent. I’d been dieting to lose weight, and he started forcing me to eat really unhealthy foods. I started gaining the weight back and kept struggling to keep it off. He made it so that I would feel so bad if I didn’t eat the food he bought for me, that I’d have to eat it. His two best friends and I threw him a surprise birthday party. He didn’t appreciate it. Things are blurry here. During the fall he saw me less and less, making up excuses and lying to me about what he was doing in his free time. I saw another one of his ex’s names in his phone. He supposedly had dumped her for me. During the beginning of our relationship she called him repeatedly talking about missing him and all these things. He made it out like he hated her and she was harassing him, and when I took the phone when she called one day and told her off the calls stopped. Her number appeared in his phone again. I asked why. He said they just wanted to catch up. I broke into his email in November only to find out that he was active on his gaia account which he’d supposedly closed a year ago. I logged into his gaia, and then I saw something I wished I hadn’t. For the entirety of our relationship, which we were days away from our two year anniversary, he had been flirting EXPLICITLY with her through private messaging. She was sending him naked pictures to his phone and he told her a bunch of lies about me, saying I was a crazy psycho and that I was unintelligent and stupid and that he hated me and was just using me. He told her he wanted to meet up with her in person because he still wanted to have sex with her. They’d been in constant contact, having an online relationship behind my back. I confronted him, and he showed up at my house saying he was sorry and he’d break off contact with her. He told her off. But he was nice about it. My trust for him was shattered.
I was in the hospital the week before christmas for reasons i won’t get into, and it was pretty much a very hard time for me. I didn’t trust anything he said, and he kept calling me and insecure bitch and saying that I am controlling of everything he does. This went on and on. Over January we kept fighting. Then I found out that his ex girlfriend (the one he made plans with behind my back) had showed up at his work and tried to get him to come to her apartment. He said he’d never talk to her again, and he had promised me previously that he would walk away if she contacted him. He didn’t. He asked for her number and put it in his phone again, and she kept trying to flirt with him through text messages. I contacted her and told her to stop, and she responded by verbally abusing me, repeatedly calling my cell phone for days on end, and sending me horrific texts saying I should kill myself. She’s done this on and off every few months, to the point where I considered pressing charges. He refused to stick up for me once again.
Since the beginning of January he’s been making me pay for everything. I’m not allowed to have a job. I get a certain allowance from social security every month, which isn’t much, and that’s what I have to get the things I want and pay for school lunch. He demands that I pay when we go out, or that I pay for myself. I’ve been finding myself out of cash and desperate for money. Then, on the small occasions when he pays, he makes me feel like I freeloader for it and complains for hours about how poor I make him. During an argument about this, he cheered me up by saying we’d go to free pancake day at ihop in February. I’d never been to an ihop. I was excited. Skipping up to a few weeks ago, we got in a fight. We were play wrestling and I’d accidentally hurt him.
The next thing I knew, I was on the floor and he was slamming his heel into my chest as hard as he could, then shoving his knee into my diaphragm and choking me, laughing the entire time. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I stayed there for a long time. He went back to playing video games for a good half hour. He forced me to curl up in bed with him, and I tried to pull away. He started trying to strangle me just for trying to get off the bed, and when I finally escaped from his grasp and went to get off, he kicked me really hard in the back. I tried to get onto the computer to IM somebody and ask for help or something, but he would kick me away from the laptop every time. He taunted me and kept asking why I wouldn’t say anything, then started punching me repeatedly and trying to suffocate me again. He held me down and kept trying to get in my pants, but I kept trying to squirm away. I was upset. I was crying. I should have left him then and there.
I came to school the next day with long bruises on my next shaped like fingers. My close friend there noticed right away, and was really angry about it. This friend is refusing to talk to me because I didn’t break up with my boyfriend. More fights occurred. For the past six months he has refused to look at schools, refused to think about a career option, and then picked an option that is easy but refuses to apply to any tech schools. He refuses to go out anywhere new. Says everyone’s pressuring him. Makes excuses not to drive. And then last minute, he said I wouldn’t be going to the free pancake day at ihop because it’ll be too crowded and he doesn’t feel like going. I couldn’t find another ride, and was pretty angry that the one time we’d be doing what I want, he found a way out of it.
The arguing continues. He makes me happy sometimes. I do love him. I don’t know how to escape this relationship. I feel like it’s best to just let us drift apart on our own. But I am alone in this… Completely alone. No supportive parents. He’s isolated me from most of my friends. The friends I had left won’t talk to me anymore because I let him treat me like this….
I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve been the selfish one. Making him take me places and stuff, I don’t know. Am I really being that selfish…? I don’t know.
Marina says:
Mar. 1, 2009
I’m so glad I stumbled upon this site. I was living with a dead beat (ex) boyfriend for 8 months and it became unbearable in the end. He was constantly asking to borrow money from me, which was never paid back. He ran up my cell phone bill for $281 dollars which is what I’d normally pay in a 5 month span (decided to ring up his family internationally). I felt sorry for him or felt that he was adjusting, because he was from a different country. Nope just turned out he was a dead beat. When he worked, it didn’t even help with the house hold expenses. I paid for all his meals, clothes, you name it and whatever other expenses he had. He didn’t even have a cell phone and used mine and blatantly disrepected me when I told him in advance not to call out of the country.
I realized how broke I had become, all my money was going into a black hole, never to been seen. Essentially I am left with credit card debt, probably 2,000+ dollars he will never pay me back for, and a lot of bitterness. Now that we have separated I realize how much I was taken advantage of , and it feels awful. I am moving on, and I hope one day I won’t feel so resentful when I hear his name. It doesn’t matter how long you’re with a dead beat boyfriend LOSER either 2 months to 15 years there’s always a way out, just show them the door and stop being so nice.
Nurse Gupta says:
Mar. 11, 2009
Marina, I feel your pain. I wonder why you would have supported this worthless prick in the first place? My loser ex tried to get me to be his sugar mama, but he learned the hard way that this will never happen. I now have higher standards, and I refuse, I mean REFUSE to associate with deadbeats of any kind! Good luck with the next man, who I hope treats you like the princess you are.
Anonymous says:
Apr. 5, 2009
Wow, I can relate to some of these experiences with dead beat boyfriends. I have lived with mine for almost 9 years and not much has changed. He continues to work part time complaining about not having any money, does drugs, and plays nintendo games all day. The worst part about it is his mom is very sick and he says he doesn’t know what he would do if he lost us both. I continue to put up with this for this reason. I am concerned for he well being and mental stability. If anyone has advice I would be glad to hear it.
Anonymous says:
Apr. 5, 2009
Wow, these stories have amazed me. I’m on this same loveboat. My deadbeat guy, well, it’s been 5 years. I’m 53 and afraid to leave due to my age but enough is enough. I pay all his bills while he hangs out and draws pictures of naked women. (Supposedly this is what any great artist does.) He keeps promising me that someday I will be happy when he is a millionaire from his paintings. He’s 46. He’s not pursuing gallery showings or agents or ANYTHING. Today he called and said, “Give me money.” I am discusted. I never get a gift or a dinner date or a dime for our mutual expenses. I pay his household expenses and mine. To support him, I stopped paying my taxes. I now owe lots and lots of money to the govt. And he could care less. His daughter never gets money for anything unless I give it to her and she is very depressed. His house is a dump.
I am a very successful, smart woman. Why this? I guess because I came from an abusive childhood with alcoholism and neglect. Well, this weekend, I have made him take out all his belongings, I took back my keys, my car (yes, he had my car, and I paid for the gas) and I am taking back my life. I asked him to do one thing for me this weekend; to pick me up from the airport. Well I got to the airport and he was not there. He said he accidently erased my message with what time I was arriving and he only had $6 and a quarter tank of gas! THis is mental illness!! This man is college educated and very handsome. (My personal weakness.) But he is also ultimately verbally abusive, insecure and jealous of my success and now, a pothead.
wow. Five years later, I’m done.
I’m sad it took me so long and now I’m 53. Anyone out there who’s thinking they are in love with someone you hate – get out now. Don’t waste your precious time.
I will survive. I will meet new men, new freinds and ultimately love again. Therapy will be good. So will taking care of my body and my spirit. Deadbeats…they take away the heartbeat.
Jennifer says:
May. 26, 2009
I feel each of you!
I have been dating this man for a year now in wich 10 of those months he has not worked but a month and when he did i never seen any of the money. i work a thrid shift job and go to school full time i am always tired on my days off and just wanna be at the house. He always wants to go out even thought i have no money i pay my bills plus his bills. i have told him over and over again i need his help with money. i had a bf that i went into dedt over think i would have learned my lesson then but no. when i tell him i want to pay me dedt he just says thats what you get for taking care of your ex, but what he doesnt get is i am doing the same thing for him. even if i tell him that he just acts like i didnt say that. i helped him at first because i felt bad he got laid off after 5 years of working there. but know its just sad he says anything that isnt what he was doing isnt good enought for him. but he will watch me suffer and let me do everything there have been times were i have cried cuz i had no money but he still doesnt even show the need to help. i have no one to go to and i dont know what to do i am soo tired and wanna give up on this man but i am the only one in his life that will help him so i dont know what to do am i too nice??? how do you give up on some one you love?? i need help am i being to stupid to see he is using me?
Sadly 25 says:
Jul. 31, 2009
My god I had thought that my situation was completely helpless and everytime I am fed up I get too tired to fight or try to force the deadbet out of my home. I think it is artically because he is the father of my three year old daughter and I know that the only reason there is any relationship there is because I make that happen. I sort of get money from him at this point (four years down the road) but it is hardly half of the expenses which is what is fair, in my opinion. Video games seem to be a common trend on this web site I had no idea! Go figure he has all three gaming systems, a 56″ TV it took him three year to pay for and the company was always calling because the payments are late. One common trend I also can definately associate with is the lack of interest all these men have in oweing money. Hello does it not stress you out that you owe so many people so much at one time?? Actually in his case nope sure doesn’t, got mom to co-sign on a bike – no longer has it, got dad to co-sign on a car got it reposessed. Is mad at me and everyone else b/c no one can sign to get him another bike so that he never has to pick his daughter up (not that he does). I do all of the bills plus rent plus day care plus groceries but 100 weekly (sometimes) is supposed to cover half? I literally spend my whole check on these things and with my money I make sure everyone if fed. I have been there with the physical and verbal abuse it has gone and came but the main thing that stays and eats at your soul is the resentment for this person who lets face it has destroyed your life. why is it hat we feel that we are not worthy of being treated like human beings?? Why are ther so many of us with the same story? The worst part about this is so many of you have posted because we do not have anyone in the world to talk to. Friends are disgusted and family can no longer bear it, so we are all ultimately alone. We are withdrawn because we do not want to discuss this unacceptable behavior with anyone else, co-workers, family no one we are embarassed. Thank you everyone for posting and reminding me that being upset with this person is okay!!! I don’t know if this helps but I will pray for all of you if you promise to pray for me. – If you are ment to be with this person it will happen effortlessly you do not need to pay or bend over backwards for these men, trust me nothing you ever do/buy will be good enough these are spoiled brats that have learned that this behavior is how they get what they want. This starts with mommy and daddy and unfortionely is usually too late for changing. A person is still going to be the person they were when you met them, you can not change who they are and do not try to change your self for them. I can almost garantee that you will end up like me isolated miserable and hateful. Prey for me and I will do the same for all of you and thank you to the parents that have still not given up on your little girls. They will always come back, I did/do.
.T. says:
Aug. 20, 2009
Well, seems I took the right step.
I recently left my ‘fiancé’, after a two year relationship. If you can call it a relationship?!
I moved to America to pursue a lifetime of love and happiness. Yeah, didn’t quite work out like that.
The first week that I arrived wasn’t even the greatest experience. However, I continued, I mean, it was stressful for the both of us. Both needing to adapt to everything.
I was aware of his ‘love’ of video games, et cetera. I guess I never really took into consideration just how much he loved playing them.
Like I said, the first week..all he did was complain he was ‘bored’, as we booked ourselves into a hotel. We wanted some privacy and it was supposed to be a time to relax and enjoy one another.
Into the second week and the game controller was in his hand, leaving me in the background.
Which is where I was placed from then on.
It got to the point of where we were living separate lives.
On top of everything else he wasn’t working. so there was added pressure.
So now I had a fiancé that wouldn’t provide for me financially, nor emotionally.
Feeling already the failure I found myself excusing his behaviour to everyone who questioned his lack of actions. I mean, I loved this guy. I gave up everything for this man. Surely he loved me!? He says he loves me.. when he chooses to pay me attention it feels like the best feeling in the World. The list of excuses went on..and on.
Then I became pregnant..At first he was wonderful about the pregnant. Attentive, gentle, sometimes a little too suffocating. Then I guess the ‘honeymoon’ period was replaced by an Xbox 360.
I’d look around our apartment at the lack of baby items, and I’d see his ever growing collection of ‘toys’ taking up most of our bedroom. Great.
Gaming would go on day and night. I was psychically drained from my pregnancy and now feeling totally emotional. I blamed the hormones for my state of depression and on going tearful outbursts. I’d attend health check visits on my own, the staff asking if “Daddy is busy working, again?!”.. “Yes, as always.”, I’d reply.
Work?! Pfft.. He’d been up all night playing games and couldn’t be bothered to join me. It came to a point in my pregnancy where I was getting very little sleep, due to the online banter. Yes, he’d continue to play through the night, with the aid of a microphone. This meant I was having to listen to his rants at other ‘gamers’. Charming.
He’d refuse to play elsewhere in the house, and well, I refused to sleep on the couch.
I was pregnant, and it wasn’t a comfortable couch at that.
I guess this is where it went downhill fast..
Arguments continued, it came to a point of where I’d have scheduled crying sessions in the bath tub. He was unavailable for my emotional needs, and sure as hell wasn’t there for me when he was playing a game..which was, uhm, always!? As the arguments became more frequent, I became more and more depressed. I then knew it wasn’t my hormones, it was him.
I can’t leave him now!? He’ll change once the baby is here!
I mean, they always say a man becomes a father when he holds his child.. right?!
Wrong.
I did everything.
I was even up cleaning and cooking the same day I brought our beautiful baby home.
Where was he? No. Asleep. My labour took its toll on him. He was tired!
Give it another day.. Yes, he was back playing games.
Our daughter had terrible colic, also oral thrush. This caused her a lot of discomfort, and in result made her cry A LOT.
Then came the postnatal depression. YAY.
So, I had postnatal depression on top of depression, a screaming baby…and a ‘gamer’.
He’d complain about our baby crying and interrupting his game, that he couldn’t talk on the mic, and he didn’t want to subject the other players to a screaming baby.
How considerate.
Our relationship plummeted further..
I had no friends around, no ‘father’ for my child. I was now the mother of two.
No, I wasn’t foolish to become pregnant again. I considered my fiancé the ‘elder’ child.
During this process my self confidence was basically non existent. I was still carrying the extra weight from my pregnancy, and now I found myself eating out of sheer boredom. It’s not like I had anyone to impress. I’d sleep alone, when I would get up with our child he’d choose to go to bed.
Leaving me to tend to our child, and having to ‘keep the noise down’, as he was trying to sleep. He must get at least 8 hours, or he’s not able to function.
Oh..he got a job! Didn’t improve anything though. After all, when he finished work he’d whine about how hard his life is. How is must be great for me, being at home all day. It totally slipped his mind that I looked after a toddler, cleaned, cooked.
However, I shouldn’t complain, as he always told me that millions of women do that and they don’t complain. They don’t complain? Because they’re not with you.
Besides, I never complained. I’d simply remind you that my ‘work’ was hard, also.
Anyway, now he was working man. Yeah, a working man with a new found ego. Oh, he was up there on his own little pedestal. He was untouchable. Except he was missing out on his games. Awe.
Didn’t stop him spending every free moment with his beloved machines. The routine continued. I’d go to bed, after I finished tending to his needs. I was exhausted.
I had been up since the break of day..well, you know how it goes. I’d end up getting 3 hours of sleep a day.
Meanwhile, he’s having his ‘free’ time playing games or on the internet all night. He’d spend about an hour, if that with our child before he retired to his comatose state. Then he’d wake up about an hour before work, take a 20minute shower, then a smoke break with a session of text messaging..oh, erm, what about spending time with your child before work, dear?! “I don’t have time!”..
Nice. So in total you spent an hour with our lil’ one today!
When he’d return home from work at 1:30am he’d go take a shower, I’d prepare his meal. I’d tried to chat with him, only to get whined at as I was babbling on too much. I haven’t had a conversation with an adult ALL day, of course I am ‘babbling’ on. In the end I would just give up and go to bed. This would be another scheduled crying session.
Final straw came when I found out he was doing more than just playing games with machines, he was playing games with another woman. His ex.
Made sense why he wasn’t coming to bed at night. After all, why come to bed when someone who is real? He can have his virtual cake and eat it. He can switch her off every night.. unlike me. He refused to admit it was cheating. After all, he wasn’t emotionally involved with her and he didn’t physically engage in sexual activity.
Aren’t I lucky?!
I am glad I enabled his message archive. Otherwise I might still be crying myself to sleep.
Yes, I still cry at times. I know that those tears will soon dry up.
My life is now with MY child. My heart is mending, too.
One Sad Sucker says:
Sep. 6, 2009
Well at least I know I’m not alone out there. I met my deadbeat last December. Our first date was on Christmas Eve. He’d lost his job the day before. We were inseparable from the start. HE was funny, charming, romantic, optimistic and a great cook. He was a great help around the house, at first, and when I had to temporarily move out of my place due to a flood, he had no hesitation in inviting me to stay with him. I paid his rent that month, along with all the living expenses. When he got denied unemployment, things started falling apart. He didn’t tell me how far behind he actually was in all his bills – and this had started well before he lost his job.
What work the man has managed to scrounge up the last 8 months is what I either found or gave him. He managed to stay in his own apartment (few blocks from me) but he was barely hanging on. Then in March I caught him screwing another woman. I cut him lose, but then so did she, within hours after she found out he had lied to her about our relationship. He came crawling back a few weeks later and like a fool I took him back.
He has done a lot for me, it’s true. Helped with things around the house, did all the cooking, maintained my car — but the financial drain was horrible. He refused to get food stamps to help with the groceries. He hit me up for money for rent repeatedly, refusing to move in with me because he would’t give up his cats and I can’t have them where I live.
In June his electricity was cut off (he owed over $1,500) and he started hanging at my house every day while I was at work. Playing video games on my computer and chatting with other women online. He made a huge mess every day and never cleaned up after himself. Meanwhile I still picked up the tab for all the groceries, his beer & cigarettes, and little special items to make him feel better about being out of work (which he claimed he was looking for but nothing ever materialized)
Then he joined a band and started making a little cash, but not much. Until he started causing a lot of conflict and drama in the band. They fired him after just 2 months and he tried to blame it on me, because one of the guys and I got together to compare notes on his lies and behaviors.
It was right around this time I found out he had been screwing other women on the road, had even talked one of them in to letting him move in with her so he could look for a job near the city SHE lives in (5 hours from here), and at the same time was chasing after a woman right here in our city who he had met through a temp job I had set them both up with. My guy is 44, the woman he started seeing on the side is 60, divorced and lonely. (Can anyone say Gigolo?) She fell for his sob story hook, line and sinker.
This went on for several weeks. He hid the relationship from me (I work days, she works nights) and when I did figure it out, he claimed they were just friends. Then he started leaving my place earlier and earlier at night and sneaking over to see her when her shift as a waitress ended. Two weeks ago I caught him coming home at 7 in the morning and ended things on the spot. No way I was going to continue financing his life while he went off to play with other women. Up until then, he’d never had any reason to ask her for money or help of any kind. But that’s going to change quick, fast and in a hurry. Let HER find out what its like to support his deadbeat ass.
Last week he finally got evicted from his place. He owed the landlord over $5,000. And I found out he has a 16 year old son he never bothered to mention – and he’s over $50,000 behind in child support.
He has defaulted on numerous loans, has another eviction from just 3 years ago, and hasn’t been able to hang on to a job for more than 2 years in the last 18. He’s $90,000 in debt and just doesn’t care. He’ll take whatever he can get from anyone who is sucker enough to give it to him. And the worst part is: he feels completely entitled to all of it. Oh. And EVERYTHING that has ever gone wrong in his life is always someone else’s fault. He can’t see his role in any of it.
Right now I don’t even know where he’s living. We haven’t spoken in two weeks. Social Services set him up in a place I think- but he could just as well be living with the 60 year old. He still owes me $400 from a loan I made him in May. He should be getting paid for a job I got for him any day now, and he told me he’d get it to me, but with his track record, I doubt I’ll see any of it.
I know he’s someone else’s problem now and that I am well rid of him, but at the same time I miss him. He was a good companion, and you don’t just go from talking and being with someone 7 days a week to nothing overnight and NOT miss them.
I would have been further ahead to have NOT taken him back in March when he first cheated on me. I guess I just wanted him to do better and BE better, but it’s not in his nature. He’ll always be a deadbeat and he’ll always chase women, lining up the next one while he’s playing the one he’s got.
Jon Hlutke says:
Sep. 24, 2009
What the hell!!!!
My baby’s Momma decided to date a 24 yr old kid. hes broke and lives with his momma. he is a mommas boy! Now shes broke and screaming to me for money. I know him as Jon Hlutke
Broken Heart says:
May. 7, 2011
OMG, I have heard some horrific stories, hearing these stories totally woke me up. I went with a man 47yrs old, I am 55 yrs. old, he came onto me in a restaurant, and wanted my phone number, so I gave it. He is a trucker, very good looking man, awesome personality, beautiful blue eyes, a charmer, was very complimentary. We were together 2 yrs. and 5 months, just when he came thru town I could see him, wasn’t enough, it did not bother him to the least, I always questioned that. He after a few months of dating he wanted to fly me to meet his family in another state. I went, at first the trip was good, he invited me to go with he and his kids to the the movie theater, we get there he has no money on him, tells me I can use my credit card to pay for all of us, that pissed me off, we got into an arguement, I stood my ground, and said no Sir I will not pay, he blows up inside the theater and walks off with his 2 sons and goes into the show we were there to see, left me behind, I proceeded in but sat somewhere else, this bastard left me at the show, in a place I had never been. I called him and asked why did you leave me, and come pick me up now. He said no, get a cab. We were staying with his sister, I had to call her to pick me up, we went back to her house I packed my bags, to leave for the airport 3 days early, so I had to pay extra to get home, different flight. On the way to the airport, his sister proceeded to tell me he really is a good guy, he has had a bad up bringing. I said ” my life hasn’t been a bed roses, but I would not treat someone like he treated me. He would not even take me to the airport, I was so scaired, crying uncontrollable. This jerk, called me 3 weeks later and said he was sorry for what he did. So, we get back together things are okay, until his truck breaks down in my town while he was coming thru to see me, I think it was planned. He ended up staying at my home for a week, until he asked to borrow 50,000 from me, he asked for a car, not just any car a fricken Mercedes. I told him no way, he shouted at me at the car lot, and drove my BMW thru traffic fast and mad, out of control. I calmed him down, we went on. That afternoon he calls his kids and tells them he and I are getting married, no truth to that, I never said I would marry him, he asked again about the 50,000 and I said no, he grabbed my cell phone and threw it in a pond. I had to go to neighbor for help, he tried to hit me. the police came and arrested him. He left all his belongings in my home, clothing etc. did not hear from him for weeks, the police told me to get a lawyer, because I had his crap. He never would come and pick it up, he sends someone else to do the dirty work. That’s a true COWARD. I paid a phone bill for him 380.00 he promised to pay back and didn’t. When he came to see me I took wonderful care of him, cooked whatever he wanted, When I first met him he did take me out, bought me roses. Things changed. People I’m ashamed to say I let him come back into my life again, by this time I actually fell in love with him. I loaned him my old computer, and asked for it back, when he could get his own, he said” you gave it to me” I did not. He asked me earlier, what kind of man are you looking for in life, we always had real deep conversation, very open I thought. I told him I wanted a good christian man, so he proceeds to tell me he is going to be a minister, and would I walk by his side thru it, I was so excited I really thought he was going to change, I found out later he lies about everything that came out of his mouth. I was totally sick to my stomach, he had no intentions of that, He told me of so many things that he was going to do, he had no intentions. This idiot made good money in his job, what I finally found out, he was a gambler of 7 yrs. and spending his whole paycheck at the casinos within hours. He admitted it and said he had stop, it was making him sick each time. I was there to console each time. Told him to get help. He would lie and say, I will. Not even do it. He said he wanted to move to Texas in with me, could I help him to get there, so we could be together. At this time I was waking up, and catching on to his lies. Thank God he never moved in. My self estem hit the floor, I became so low, mad at myself for being so stupid. He pulled his last trick, and called me 3 weeks ago, and said, ” you don’t LOVE ME, or you would help me move to Texas, to get me away from the gambling”. I told him, I do love you, but you need to get help to quit your gambling. The dumbass spends 1000.00 on Megas, pwerball, etc. that is everywhere. He worked overtime to get me to feel sorry for him. Last Christmas, he didn’t even buy his 3 children presents, and certainly not me. That is fine, but his children, he has put his whole thru hell over and over again. He texted me 3 weeks ago, and cut me down to the bone, saying, ” your ugly, fat, lonely woman. ” none of that is true. I have to question, why was he with me over 2 yrs. and told me how beautiful I was, of course we know, I would not give him what he wanted. He was jealous of me wanting to succeed in life, as he had no intentions of ever being something. He is gone now, and people let me tell you, I did a lot of praying, for God to keep me safe from him, this last time I listened to what God was telling me to do, RUN RUN RUN. It hurts because you put yourself out there and trusting someone, loving them, having an intement sexual relationship, that makes you feel even closer and that meant nothing to that SOB. 3 weeks ago he called me and said he was coming thru town, I asked, Why? He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, and wanted to tell me how much he Loved me. This time I wasn’t buying it. All I want is closure, I feel like a stake in my heart. How do you ever trust another? All I can do is guard my heart and make myself so tough and strong. It was a nightmare. People tried to warn me, I had to find out on my own. Once you are lied to over and over, it is hard to trust anyone. All I can say he fooled me, but he did not get all that he wanted from me. If I saw him in public, I would walk over to him and knock his lights out. I have a reason to write a book, to warn women out there, I was so vulnerable, a lot of us are. I know as I speak this guy is out there doing the same to other people. That hurts me. Ladies just beware. Going on this site really helped me to see hope, I hate that others have had to suffer, as I, some were taken for more money than me, I just caught it in time, before he took me to the cleaners. Number 1, I stopped believing him, but as long as you let them try to take your joy, peace, happiness away we loose in the end. Bless all you, I lost my dignity, had depression, stopped taking care of myself, I feel I hit bottom, because of some creep, that hurts others, because he is hurting. He wanted to drag me down with him. Well, I got one on him, he is not succeeding with me. I do pray that he will not succeed to do others as he did me. I would love to post a picture of him in every state, beware of this jerk.
Broken Heart says:
May. 8, 2011
This is a continuation of my story, I failed to say this jerk, owes back taxes of 100,000, he owes his sister money, creditors are after him all over, can’t keep his cell phone in operation, can’t even pay 58.00 for cell bill. His children I found out had to go to their aunt for money, to be able to eat, he didn’t send them money when needed, but he went to restaurants for him to eat. He would run out of money and go for days without eating, gambling was more important. He has no credit what so ever. No car, lost his home, he let that go back. many times he knew he had to send his kids money, and went to gamble it away instead. His kids live in an apartment alone, 2 boys, half the time he doesn’t pay rent, his sister has had to, or eviction. I have to say how sad is that. He said he was addicted to oxy at one time, I know that is a lie. He is still on it. I think he is Bipolar/addiction to gambling and drugs. I researched it and I know to be true. This man drives an eighteen wheeler, how safe is that. When I told him the last time I would not help him, he yelled at me and said,” I will find someone out there that will give me the money. This guy is on the prowl for another woman to take from. He will not ask his family anymore, they are done, no man will give him money, just us women. He told me he could not live in Denver, where his kids are, he has done something wrong there, not paid taxes or something else. All I can pray, is that he will be taken off the streets before he hurts someone. He is a womanizer, he picks classy ladies, if they look like they have a lot, he goes after them. He has no heart, because I know how desperate he is now. If you saw him you wouldn’t think he drove a truck. I’m sure there is some good truck drivers out there, not to knock them, I thought this guy was. I don’t go around looking for truck drivers, but he came off as a good person and I thought it doesn’t matter what the profession is it is the person. He has too much freedom out there to take what’s not his, he covers a lot of states.
Chad Stacey says:
May. 11, 2011
I believe you are right when you say “I think he is Bipolar/addiction to gambling and drugs”. You did nothing wrong and need to do your best to stop trying to figure out why this happened.
It’s the hardest thing in the world to face the fact that there are some things in life that we will never be able to answer the question…Why?!
The key is to learn from the experience, let it help you grow as a person and move on as quickly as possible. This guy sounds like he has a lot of problems and I’m glad you have warned other women he may be on the hunt for. There were many warning signs from what you wrote but many times we will overlook those when we are in love. Don’t blame yourself, move on and be happy.
We wish you the best of luck.
Broken Heart says:
May. 8, 2011
After my story, I had to question myself, about this guy that was in my life over 2 years, and how he had to go out of his way to come see me, 200 miles out of his way, over and over. I am mixed was it love or just his way of buttering me up, till he could take me to the cleaners. Or could it be he finally got the message, I would not give in. Another question, was there ever love involved, or was he such a sick man he couldn’t control his bad habits, his gambling, consumed him. He actually snapped 3 weeks ago, I have to wonder what caused that, not knowing if it had to do with all the money he owes people, it came with no notice. He came thru town to take me to dinner 4 weeks ago, out of nowhere he said, “I LOVE YOU”. Was that fake. I do not know. How can you hate someone so bad as he does me, being mad. I was so good to him, I guess the word “NO” he could not take. How can he walk away so easily, and not think about the good times we had, we laughed so much, we both love alot of the same things, talked about different types of cars, like good friends. Or did his addictions take him away, his self esteem was low, I always tried to build him up to make him feel better about his self, as he did with me. One time he was high in mood talking fast excited, later he became low and cutting all things down within hours. I could see the depression set in when he would leave me for a trip. He at the end would come see me, and not ask for money, we enjoyed one another’s company. I started to see a change in him he seemed uncomfortable with me. Do these men not even have a heart and soul, can they walk on and just forget who you were in their life. I know his x-wife left him because of gambling, it has been 8 yrs. he still is caught up into it. How can a man tell you how foxy, beautiful you are over and over, and when he left I was fat, ugly, whatever. I work out all the time, I know I’m not ugly, where did this come from, his heart or just wanted to make me feel bad. Better than that did it really make him feel better to have said that. I was his first long relationship, since his x-wife of 26 yrs. I never got closure from him, I asked him did he ever love me, I got nothing back.
If someone out there can explain this to me, I would so appreciate it. I want to get past this, but it’s so hard. I need answers.
Thanks
Cynthia says:
May. 13, 2011
My daughter is still living with her deadbeat.
I linked to this page thru facebook, and when she saw it on my profile she didn’t like it very much, and accused me of trying to publicly embarrass him, etc, though I didn’t name any names and most of my facebook friends know nothing of her living arrangements. Oh well, maybe one day she’ll wise up. She’s left this dirtbag before, and everybody tried to help her out and support her when she did, but she just keeps taking him back.
Broken Heart says:
May. 19, 2011
Thank you for your response, I do solely agree with you, move on. I have and I feel as though I will write my book on the subject, I do not want to see another go through what I went through with this jerk. I will sleep better at night if knowing I have witnessed to others. It will be good therapy for me, also.
Your friend
Suggestions says:
Feb. 2, 2012
i love my daughter very much. I would be happy if she never moved out. She’s extremely talented; written one book completely has another almost half finished and two more in the works and she is very, very great at drawing,painting,etc. She was home-schooled and rarely left the house. She doesn’t like cigarettes or drugs. She meet this boy, a neighbor, that seemed to stay at home all the time(lived with his Grandmother because his mom and Dad were in prison for Meth. his sister was into drugs and he had been at one time. But he worked ever day and just came home and slept on the couch. My daughter seems to fall for him she was 20, a virgin and he was he 1st real boyfriend. We decided that we would be good people and let him live with us after they dated for several months. she was on birth control and got pregnant, then lost the baby at 7 weeks; didn’t know it till she was almost 12 wks. It devastated her and he has always been very loving and caring towards her, always showing affection. She found out that he smoked cigarettes and pot; she didn’t like it but tolerated it. I tried to teach her about having good credit and got her a credit card in her name. Since then there have been instances with him not coming home till early morning hours about 2, maybe 3 times in a years time. She did get pregnant again, on purpose this time and the baby is 7 weeks old now. Things have been changing gradually for the past 11 months or so but the biggest change came within a month of the baby being born. She wanted very much to breast feed but only lasted about a month. She doesn’t have a job but had an electric double pump and her Father bought her $10 worth of herbs to help produce more milk; which she wanted and didn’t need. I’ve known for awhile that he has been taking pain pills and i don’t honestly know what else BUT SOMETHING else occasionally. We have treated this 21 yr. boy like a member of the family. We’ve taken them out to eat. My husband had let him drive our 2007 Honda Civic and new Yamaha 125 scooter; which he NEVER DOES for anyone. We’ve bought him clothes, shoes, given him money and the list goes on. He hasn’t paid a bill here and all he does is take our Daughter to hang out at his Uncles and his friends/family. Since the baby boy was born Dec. 14, 2011, my husband sold his car because they lied to him about the car being wrecked and having a salvage title. He took a lot of that money and took, me, our Daughter and her boyfriend out to eat at a nice restaurant, bought them both new pairs of shoes and given them some money. When he finds out he is getting a big tax check back for carrying the baby he runs my Daughter’s credit card up to almost the max. lacking only $30 of going over. He said he would give her $750 to pay it all the way off and buy a newer car. Well he went over his head in debt for something he’ll never be able to pay just because of his insurance being so high for tickets, he’s been paying on a rent-to-own PlayStation 3 that cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars; it’s 20 a week, plus I gave him $80 to pay on the internet and he goes and gets a cable and internet package that’s over 100 a month in his name. We never had to pay for cable just internet so there is no way we can pay that part, only the internet part which he uses. He paid only $500 on my Daughter’s credit card NOT 750 like he said and he’s been taking his family out to eat. MY Daughter used her card and spent $70 dollars after all this while my husband stayed home and watched the baby; which I also do every single night since he was brought home from the hospital. I do not mind that part at all. I love my Grandson. My disabled son and my Daughter both didn’t have Grandparents in their lives; which has always really devastated me. That boy was dragging her everywhere the first couple of days in the car. i could tell she was tired and upset. SO I really let him have it and the disrespect that he had for me and hate it seemed like was too much for me. I slapped me twice. I’m not the type of person that like confrontations, so I’ll hold things in for a VERY long time. I just snapped on him. Since then he will not come in the front door, speak to me or even say he was sorry. I told him i was sorry for hitting him but that didn’t matter. He has been laying out of work a lot now. When he does get paid, it’s gone the next day. He has already added up charges on her card 2 days after only paying $500 instead of the $750. My Daughter, her boyfriend, his sister and his sister’s boyfriend were all taken out to eat with the bill being $70+ My husband and I watched the baby. Today they go to his uncles house and when she comes home, she starts showing me pictures of all his family she’s taken, some were taken today and then developed. She told me in front of him that he bought his uncle & uncles girlfriend really thick steaks. All I wanted to do was be there for my Daughter like my Mother and Father never did for me. I wanted to like her boyfriend and for him to like me. I’m so depressed about all of this i just want to get rid of him now but i’m afraid she will go with him AND take the baby. I told him the day that I went off on him that he could move back in with his Grandmother if he didn’t like it here; of course he said he would but he didn’t. We don’t have money but we do have a nicer and bigger home. My Daughter has always had the master bedroom and another bedroom beside it and the master bath. We’ve given them the best, name brand mattress and box-springs, Name brand Queen size and the room is kept filthy. I don’t feel like i can take much more of this. If it weren’t for my Daughter, disabled son(that lives in a group home) and my Grandson. I would just say the hell with it all and leave this world. Every person myself or my husband has been very good to and tried to help have done nothing but steal from us, use us and treat us like pure scum of the earth. I tell my Daughter i love her everyday, several times a day and she tells me the same but no one is showing it. Whatever happened to actions speak louder than words.
Sorry this was soooooo very long but any advice, words of wisdom, someone going through the same thing or has been through the same thing……please, please talk to me. You can email me at sugert1@live .com. Thanks for letting me rant.
Momos says:
Aug. 28, 2012
Alright, well, i just need to vent. im stuck in a love triangle again. speaking of boyfriends. im over this fucking shit. i deal with it everyday. i can never do anything right with him. he’s always choosing her over me and i really don’t know what else i can do. i’ve been with him for 2 years and i think im getting fed up. things were going perfectly fine until just a few hours ago when he got all pissed off because i told the bitch to quit talking to him. so she text him and started drama, so in turn that pissed me off even more and i just want to hunt the bitch down and fucking kill her, but obviously i would never do that. im crazy, but not that crazy. i want her to fucking pay for fucking up my relationship many many many times and im fucking over it. like literally this will make absolutely no sense, but im so fucking mad right now. i turned off my phone and im listening to music to calm down but im about to explode. like bitch, if i cant’ talk to other guys, and especially to guys ive slept with, then you DEFINITELY CANT talk to that slut . like seriously. should i be mad about this or not ? im a little confused. i don’t know what i want to do. i was so happy with him until today. like he always has to change and get all pissy and it just ruins everything for me. i can’t even concentrate on anything now. like fuck him. URG , beyond fucking irritated.